Let Yourself be Wooed

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 08/14/2012

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Love can be challenging

Advancements and opportunities provided to women in the workplace have given the successful woman financial freedom. With financial freedom, women can buy a home, pay their bills, purchase luxury items and afford nice vacations. But, they can’t buy love. If you’re a successful woman who is struggling to find success in your love life, it’s not your fault. Over the decades, love has become a bit more complicated.

Back in the day, love relationships were easier because they were well defined. There was courtship instead of dating. Men wooed women. Now men and women hang out and hook up. Many people have sex thinking it’s the beginning of a relationship rather than having a relationship first and then expressing their love and commitment through sex.

Dating raises uncertainty and insecurities

In dating, physical intimacy tends to happen before commitment. When you have sex before you know who that person really is and what his intentions are, it’s the exception that your encounters will turn into a healthy love relationship. You’ll tend to behave and act in ways that you think will please him, rather than show your real self. Instead of saying what you completely mean, you’ll only partially say what you mean.

When sex happens before commitment, you’ll tend to read more into the relationship than what’s actually there. You’ll think there’s more of a connection then there really is. You’ll think that he’s more into you than he really is. Then you’ll become disappointed, sad or angry when things don’t work out.

Courtship brings about certainty and self worth

In courtship, you and your partner take the time to get to know and care for each other, and develop trust. You’re both more vested in your relationship because of the time and effort you’ve put into each other. You’re physically intimate when it’s right for both of you and when you do, it is magical.

Courtship takes more courage because you have to be authentic, open, vulnerable and live with not knowing the outcome. If you choose the path of courtship, you’ll become clearer on what matters most to you, what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you and realize your self worth. You’ll feel cherished, cared for and respected.

You get to choose

Through most of my single years, I was dating, not realizing that I actually wanted to be courted, until I met my now husband. In hindsight, dating for me was about reacting to the men I met.  This led me to feel uncertain and settle for less. Courtship was more about responding based on what was important to me, which then led to certainty and settling for more.

You get to choose whether or not you want to date or be courted. If you’re consistently let down and feel unfulfilled in your experiences with potential partners, try letting a man woo you instead of date you. If he’s a good man, this means being receptive to who he is and what he has to offer, rather than being resistant or controlling. It means letting him open doors for you, plan dates, pay for your meals (you can still offer), keep his word, give you flowers, etc. It means treating him with respect and trust, and accepting him for who he is.

Final note: If you’re a woman who is used to taking charge, don’t initiate or pursue men. If you do, there’s a high chance that you’ll end up in a “friends with benefits” relationship where he’ll sleep with you but won’t ask you out. You’ll end up settling for less than you deserve. Continuing to approach relationships as if you’re the exception to the rule (i.e. dating with physical intimacy before a commitment will lead to a relationship) is never in your best interest, unless you don’t want a commitment. While it’s possible, it’s not probable. It’s your choice. Do you choose dating or courting?

Take the Does He Woo You Quiz? and learn if men tend to woo, date or use you.  With this knowledge, you can decide to continue with love as is or make changes to improve your love life.

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  • Frith

    Terrifically true and sound advice. So concise. Reasonated beautifully and helped remind me of what I want and how to get it. Thank u

    • Thank you, Frith. I appreciate you letting me know that this advice was helpful. Sending you much love.

  • Missi

    My boyfriend of 10 months has stopped wooing me after living with me for 5 months. He hasn’t completely stopped, however, it’s slowing down and I really need to be “wooed.” How do I talk to him about it without making him feel bad? I really need him to keep up with texting me sweet things and I text him sweet things and I woo him as well. I don’t expect it to be one-sided at all. I want our relationship to be more and better, not go the way of less and less as most relationships do over time.

    • Dear Missi, it’s good you want to be proactive. Talking to your boyfriend about wooing you will most likely make him defensive because he’ll feel as though you are criticizing him. If you talk to him about this from a place of need, you will come across as desperate. Desperation is not attractive to a guy and will likely cause your boyfriend to woo you even less. If you feel like he is pulling back/slowing down his attention towards you, you may start to be more assertive. If your boyfriend is a masculine guy, this will be a turnoff.

      The way you can woo him is by being receptive and appreciative for the ways he does woo you. Your positive response will be more of an incentive for him to continue (and possibly increase) his wooing behavior. Also, make a conscious effort to be present. (When you’re in your mind worrying about him not wooing you like he did in the beginning, the connection between the two of you has been weakened.) In the present is where you will connect with your boyfriend at a deeper level. When he feels a deeper connection with you, he will be more motivated to do sweet things for you.

      I also suggest looking within yourself and determining what’s underneath your need to be wooed and then meet your own needs around that. For instance, if your need to be wooed is so that you can feel loved, work on loving yourself. In doing so, the love you feel for yourself will radiate positive energy that is very appealing. This radiant energy may inspire him to woo you more.

  • Rainbowwoman

    I would love to be wooed… and haven’t had sex with anyone in over 10 years. Although some men do flirt with me and show interest, none of the ones I like ever seem to ‘woo’ me. So what do I do? (I am told I am very attractive).

    • Dear Rainbowwoman, thanks for sharing your situation. I am happy to share some suggestions on what you can do. In order for me to do so, it would be helpful to know more about you. If you’d like, you can schedule a complimentary Love Discovery Session with me where we would focus on your specific situation http://loveforsuccessfulwomen.com/love-discovery-session/

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