Dr. Wayne Dyer is one of my favorite teachers of all time. His book, 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, is timeless, full of wisdom and provides a simple guide for living an inspired life. In the spirit of love and sharing Dr. Dyer’s message, here is my perspective on how his 10 secrets translate to romantic love.
The First Secret: Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.
It’s easy to become disillusioned and closed minded each time a relationship doesn’t work out, when you feel like you’ve been dating forever and how you’re conditioned to believe what love is (based on your experience of love when you were a child). When you’re closed-minded to your partner, you are more attached to your position instead of having a closer connection with your partner.
Resist being closed off and thinking negative thoughts. Keep an open mind and focus on the positives and possibilities without being attached to expectations, preconceived notions of how your partner should be. Get crystal clear on what you want and how you want to feel in a relationship. Then take the behaviors and actions to have what you want without controlling or being attached to the outcome. When you are crystal clear and behave and act accordingly, the outcome that you’re supposed to have will fall into place the way it’s supposed to.
The Second Secret: Don’t die with your music still in you.
If you tend to settle for less than you deserve in a relationship, you’ll leave this earth with regret and sorrow. Your desire for a loving and fulfilling relationship will not be met. In order to experience your ideal relationship, settle for more. Instead of staying in a ho-hum relationship, letting someone choose you or getting off track with the wrong men, create the love life you desire. You are more powerful than you think you are.
The Third Secret: You can’t give away what you don’t have.
If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else. When you don’t love yourself, you’ll be judgmental and critical about the qualities that you wish you didn’t have. You’ll then reflect this outward onto your partner and become judgmental and critical towards him. Don’t expect him to be loving towards you if you’re not loving yourself and him. Work on loving yourself first, including your self-perceived bad sides.
If you aren’t able to openly express yourself, yet want a man who shares his feelings with you, you’ll attract men who have a difficult time communicating. Your opportunity is to improve your communication skills so that you’ll attract someone who can express himself freely.
The Fourth Secret: Embrace silence.
The tendency is to over-analyze every little thing and replay the details of what he said, why he said it, what went wrong, etc., makes it impossible to embrace silence. Instead your logic-based mind taking over and asking your friends and family what you should do, just be. Relax your mind to open up the space for silence, allowing you to listen to your intuition. Practicing meditation is one way to connect with silence.
The Fifth Secret: Give up your personal history.
Holding onto negative experiences from past relationships keeps you stuck. When you hold on to the past, you’re only hurting yourself while the other person has moved/is moving on with his life. Give yourself a fresh start. Let go of what’s happened by resolving resentments, making peace with the past and working through unhealthy relationship patterns.
Identify the patterns that have continued to show up in all of your relationships. For instance, if all of the men that you’ve been with have treated you poorly, look inward. Reflect on what’s within you that’s caused you to attract these types of men. If you find that low self esteem is the reason, work on improving your self worth.
The Sixth Secret: You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.
Your mind is very powerful. The same problems that repeat themselves in different relationships stem from limiting thoughts and beliefs. When you believe the habitual negative thoughts that run on autopilot, you can’t solve the same problems that keep coming up in different relationships. Your thoughts determine your feelings, which then determine your behaviors and actions. Negative thoughts lead to not feeling good about yourself. When you behave and take action from feeling bad about yourself, you won’t get good results.
In order to solve relationship problems, you need to adopt a different mindset by questioning the negative thought(s) and replacing them with positive ones that are as or more true. For instance, if you believe there are no good men out there, you’ll continue attracting men who are not good for you. When you question this thought and see otherwise, you’ll open up the possibility to attract a good man.
The Seventh Secret: There are no justified resentments.
It’s really not personal. We are all doing the best we can based on where we’re at consciously. Whatever you perceive someone doing to you is really about him and less about you. When you’re upset, angry or resentful towards your partner for how he’s behaving or what he’s doing, you’re making this mean something about you.
For instance, my husband hates having his picture taken, so much so that he will make odd faces to the camera. I value pictures a great deal; they have sentimental meaning to me. We were vacationing in Lake Tahoe and I really wanted to have a nice picture taken of us at a specific location. We weren’t able to and I was quiet for the next 45 minutes. I found myself becoming a bit upset towards him and some old habitual thoughts popped into my head, “If he really loved me, he would take pictures with me.” After I had my own pity party, I was able to see the perspective that he just doesn’t like taking pictures, which has more to do with him than it does me.
The Eighth Secret: Treat yourself as if you already are what you’d like to be.
If you’re single or dating and want to be in a loving relationship, act as if you’re already in a loving relationship. Focus your thoughts, visualize and feel as if this is already your reality. The more you see yourself in a loving relationship, the more inspired you are, which sets the momentum in your favor. The universe will then conspire to bring you what you believe to be your reality.
In your relationship with your partner, act as if what you would like to have is already here. If you want loving interactions, clearly visualize this and expect loving interactions to take place.
The Ninth Secret: Treasure your divinity.
You are perfect the way you are. There’s nothing wrong with you. Instead of trying to be a carbon copy of someone else, be your unique self. Be authentic and let men see your self-perceived quirks. The right man will find them endearing. It’s better to be loved for who you are than to be loved for who you aren’t.
In addition, we are all connected. If you feel disconnected from your partner, your ego is getting in the way of your ability to connect to yourself. Drop your ego to experience the connection to self and you’ll feel connected to everyone around you, including your partner.
The Tenth Secret: Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you.
You grew up with a certain belief system; the way you think is based on your role models (most likely your parents) and experiences as a young child. Because you’re so used to thinking a certain way, you probably don’t question your unhealthy thoughts. The more you identify with them and believe that they’re true, the more they become who you are. These unhealthy thoughts keep you from seeing other perspectives and possibilities.
Instead of letting unhealthy thoughts debilitate you, identify the ones that have negatively affected your love life. Notice what’s happened in your relationships when you’ve believed those thoughts. Work on replacing those thoughts by doing The Work from Byron Katie.
The Ideal Approach
In a romantic relationship, love the person enough by allowing him to be exactly who he is and what he chooses to be, without expecting anything and being attached to an outcome. If you can do this, you’ll find lasting love and inner peace. True love is about loving a person for who they are, not for what you think they should be.
Which secrets will you practice in your love life?