“If others tell us something, we make assumptions. And if they don’t tell us something, we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Instead of asking questions, we tend to make many assumptions that are not based in truth. They are based on our interpretation of the situation. Believing false assumptions, can cause unnecessary stress and worry in your dating life. False assumptions are made when you create a story around a situation, read into things that aren’t there and are in denial about the truth.
Let’s look at a couple of assumptions in dating.
Dating Assumption: If things continue going well, we will be in a committed relationship
You’ve been dating the same guy for the past few months. You share common interests, similar relationship experiences and have fun together, making you think that you’re meant to be together. You’re thinking that if things continue to go well, you will both be in an exclusive relationship (assumption). In the meantime, while he enjoys being with you, he wants to continue seeing you and also date other women. While you’re assuming things are heading towards a commitment, he’s figuring out how to tell you about seeing other people.
In this situation, it’s important to pay attention to his behaviors and actions. If he’s thinking about seeing other women, he will become more distant. You will start to hear from him and see him less because he’s got one foot out the door.
If you find yourself in this situation, notice how you feel inside. If something doesn’t feel right and you’re not able to put your finger on it, chances are your feelings are onto something. The opportunity is to express what you’re noticing in the moment so that you don’t keep assumptions bottled up inside of you, causing you stress and worry.
Dating Assumption: He will leave her for me
In order to date another woman’s guy, a woman justifies in her mind that it’s okay to do what she’s doing. If you’ve found or find yourself in this situation, you may be able to date him because of what he’s told you about her and their relationship. What he’s told you probably makes it seem more her fault, causing you to feel empathetic towards him. (Remember, there are three sides to a story – his, hers and the truth.)
If he says and does things that lead you to believe things are different with you and him, you may think he will eventually leave her to be with you (assumption). Notice that he is going back and forth between you and her. In this situation, ask, “Why have I attracted a guy who is not available into my life?” Then see what response comes up that feels real to you. The real reason will have something to do with you.
I believe a healthy relationship can’t be developed on another woman’s relationship with the same man. Assume that he is not going to leave her for you. Remove yourself from this guy so that you can be available for a guy who will make you his priority, and not his option.
Assume Less, Ask More
“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
When you feel uncertain, worried or stressed about a situation or interaction with a guy you’re dating, instead of creating a false assumption, express your thoughts and ask the questions you need to understand what is really going on. The more you assume less and ask more, the better your dating life will be. You will find that assuming less, and asking more lets you date with more ease.
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