Why You Should Delay Sex if You Want a Real Relationship

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 07/02/2013

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A promising relationship can be derailed when both people have premature sex before getting to know each other and learning if they are truly compatible. Premature sex rushes things and creates an imaginary bond that isn’t strong enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

Premature Sex = Lust

Having sex early on gives a man very little incentive to get to know who you are. When a man doesn’t know who you truly are, the sex he has with you is based on lust (i.e. physical gratification), instead of a real like or love (i.e. deep emotional connection).

A woman tends to feel an emotional connection after having sex, even when she doesn’t really know who the man is. If the sex is amazing, oxytocin will trick you into thinking you’re compatible, even if he isn’t the right man for you. You’ll tend to fall for him soon after based on the illusion of who you think he is.

As you continue to have sex, your feelings become stronger and you feel more connected to him. You may even think you love him, when you actually lust for him.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Sexual encounters that are premature lead to short-term or on-again, off-again relationships that are about hanging out and hooking up. A man who sleeps with a woman who is quick to sleep with him, doesn’t think of this woman as someone to settle down with. His perception of an “easy woman” is easy come, easy go. She’s fine to sleep with, but isn’t marriage material.

If you find yourself having sex with a man early on, even if you tell him you don’t usually sleep with a man so soon, he won’t believe you because your actions show otherwise.

Take a Hiatus from Sex

If you want a real relationship with a man you really like and have been sleeping with him early on, stop having sex to see if you are both compatible. Taking a hiatus from sex will also show you if he is interested in the real you or just wants you for sex. A man who is just looking for sex will have no interest in getting to know you and will soon leave. While this may initially be hurtful, it’s best to know sooner than later.

A man who wants a genuine relationship will respect your wishes of taking a hiatus from sex until you get to know each other. He may not be happy about it, but will be okay with it. Learn what’s most important to him, what his values are, what his family is like, how he treats others, what he thinks about different topics, how he views the world, etc. Let him get to know you too.

Taking the time to learn about each other will reveal how compatible you are outside of the bedroom. If you’re both connected on a mind, body and soul level, this increases the possibility for your connection to turn into a lasting relationship.

The Bottom Line

If you want to be in a long-term relationship, delay sex until you both feel a connection on a mind, body and soul level. In doing so, you are knowing your worth by placing a higher value on yourself. As a result, you’ll attract a higher quality man who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

Related Article:  Guys Just Want to Have Sex with Me. How Do I Keep Them from Rushing Me Into Sex?

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  • Louay

    I completely agree with you Janet, if you are looking for a long term serious relationship then we must delay sex. In my opinion premature sex completely breaks down the serious relationships. I really liked your post and I am gonna share it on my Facebook wall with my friends. Thanks. 🙂

  • Dear Louay, thank you for your kind words about my post and for sharing it on your Facebook wall. I appreciate that and also that you took the time to let me know your opinion on delaying premature sex.

  • UnicycleBloke

    This is the complete opposite of my experience. I have always sought long term, committed relationships, and regard sexual compatibility as no less important than emotional and intellectual compatibility. Doesn’t it hurt to become seriously emotionally involved with someone, only to discover that things don’t work in the bedroom? One or both of you may become deeply unsatisfied. Trust me, this is a soul-destroying marriage wrecker. It is a good idea to interleave physical intimacy with the other stuff when developing your relationship.

    • Thanks for sharing your experience, UnicycleBloke. I agree that sexual compatibility is just as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility. There’s also the case that if there is premature sex, only to discover that there isn’t a meaningful emotional connection, one or both may be disappointed. It sounds like you’ve been successful in having long-term, committed relationships by having sex early on in a relationship. You may be the exception. 🙂 My experience and the experience of most women I’ve coached have been that when sex is premature, the relationship tends to be short lived.

    • Joshua Sims

      Sexual compadibility can be taught and learned. It is also about compromise, somethings we can live without. That’s what it boils down to, complete unselfishness. Nobody is exciting forever 😉

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  • Missy

    Thanks for posting this. I definitly agree with you! There are so many players and cheats out there who just want to use women. I personally wouldn’t have sex less than a year, let alone a 1st date! Some women are lucky, most others aren’t. You never know what kind of person they are. My bf and I waited about two years. I know it’s seems pretty long, it’s nice to get to know the guy 1st 🙂

    • Thank you, Missy for your comments. You’re right – you never know what kind of a person they are. Taking the time to get to know someone is so beneficial. It lets you learn if you’re truly compatible and what kind of character and integrity that person has.

  • toodleoo

    i think the real advice to give here for women is if you’ve already had a history of promiscuity, you’re going to have to adjust your expectations on the men you can realistically date. hot guys will fuck you, but they won’t date you, that’s just how it goes. rich guys will fuck you, but they won’t date you, that’s just how it goes. if you want a long lasting relationship then find a guy in his early mid 20s who’s got potential and support him, when he reaches his 30s he’ll grow into your perfect man, and he’ll be loyal to the woman who was there for him before all the other women found him to be the perfect man. to attract good men, be a good woman, and do what good women to for their men.
    or you can just blame men as usual and get the same results as everyone else complaining about where have all the good men gone, your life, your choice.
    it’s very sad how most women will just give it up to a man they think is more valuble than they are, then later complain that they got dumped.

    • Dear Toodleloo,

      Thanks for sharing your perspective. There is validity to your perspective and I’ve also found that it’s possible to have a long lasting relationship with a man in his 30s, 40s, 50s and older. So much of it depends on how a woman approaches love (i.e. setting and honoring her boundaries, waiting until they both know each other at a deeper level before being physically intimate, building a strong foundation, etc.) and the man’s integrity, values, morals, etc.

      Your words, “to attract good men, be a good woman” is so true. Just following these simple words of wisdom you’ve shared is a big step towards attracting higher quality men.


    • Ladylanita

      I disagree with you toodleoo. There is no fast and cut method to picking a guy that will be loyal to you (i.e.-targeting partners that have yet to be established). There are men that meet women who were down for them long before success came and they cheat on them same way. Former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards comes to mind. I think women should focus on finding a man that is at least equally yoked and settle for nothing less. At 40, I wouldn’t even seriously entertain focusing on men that are in their mid-20’s and not established. It sounds like you want women to focus on potential, but how many men actually do that when they pick women? Or do they take them at face value? The superficialness goes both ways. At the end of the day people have to be true to themselves about who they are and what it is they (think they) want. Time will tell and then you can adjust accordingly.

      • toodles

        @ladylanita comparing an average above average man to a president is idiotic. Of course a man in the top 1% tier of men is going to cheat, he has so much female attention that I would question his sexuality If He Didn’t, It’s Just Male Nature And Is Hard Enough To Control When You Dont Have Limitless options. Think of it this way though, while men like that will sometimes have someone on the side, it’s the woman who loved him when he was a nobody that he will grow old with, and she’ll be very poorly off divorcing him unless she made a big divorce settlement, but even then men will be more interested in her because she has money. Female promiscuity is 500 times worse than male promiscuity, and men don’t respect promiscuous women while women will always flock to men who have many women after them, on average. Very few women marry up or at their level in their 40s, or even their mid 30s, unless the man is at least 10 years older. A decently successful man at 40 is dating between 25 and 35 at most, he knows that the older the woman the less attractive and the more baggage, and he knows his level of attractiveness, or at least he should. I know a very sweet woman who is 45 whose best dating option was a man significantly lower than her financially. She does like him a lot but she did voice the frustration of his lack of finances. I know she would rather date someone more well off but she knows she’s in no position to be picky like a 20 year old, and so she chose that a compatible person was worth being with someone low on the economic ladder. The same goes to you, you can’t have it all, most can’t, especially not when competing with 20 year olds. Wisdom and experience is nothing, a young woman can gain that in time and with his guidance she will be able to avoid the bad experiences, what a man wants is a mother to his children, whether or not he actually wants children, he wants mother material, otherwise she’s just for sex and fun.

        I personally look for potential, and i Don’t care for your pessimism about men, in fact that’s why you’re having bad luck, look up Evan Marc katz he’s a good dating coach for ladies like you. Anyway there’s very little potential in an obese woman with a poor attitude in a dead end job. If a woman doesn’t at least somewhat take care of herself in some way she will make a piss poor relationship. I’m a trainer and I make people better for a living, so I’m only too happy to guide someone into a better version of themselves. Don’t play devils advocate when the facts I give you are irrefutable, do you want a man, or do you want to debate? The only thing you can control is yourself, therefor complaining about shallow men is pointless, you shouldn’t be paying attention to those men anyway, they shouldn’t be on your radar or be in your universe at all.

  • shalom

    I made a mistake of sleeping with a man whom i thought loved me but it was a lie. i thought if i have sex with him i would give him the reason to stay with me and look at me differently but it was all in vain coz i ended up getting hurt….it is such a shame and i dont know how to get out of it… i need help

    • Dear Shalom, I’m sorry you were hurt by this. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You had good intentions when you you slept with him. The most important thing you can do is to use this as a learning opportunity. The kinds of things that we feel shameful about happen for our greater good – to help us learn and grow. What keeps us stuck are the judgments we continue having about ourselves. A way to get out of this is to focus on how this situation happened for your greater good. What lesson(s) are you meant to learn from this? How can you take this lesson(s) and use it to support you in learning what a man’s true intentions are? Take good care of yourself.

      • shalom

        Thanx dia for that encouragement

  • Roman

    I agree with this article. I’m a man and three times this has happened. The first time I was friends with the girl for 4 months. When he had sex, my feelings completely changed. I became self centered and didn’t feel like she was the center of my life anymore. The second girl I thought I really liked her. Then after 3 weeks of knowing her we had sex and again I lost all connection with her. She was very caring and thoughtful while I was self centered. I tried to keep her and do the best I can, but I felt like I was grasping for straws. The third girl whom I just broke up with after 7 months of dating is now dating my ex-friend. Her and I were friends for 4 months as well and had sex 2 weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend. Immediately afterwards I realized I didn’t really like her, but I stayed in the relationship because I wanted to prove to myself I can commit. After I broke up with her in March, she still kept in contact with me. After a few months she bumped into my ex-friend and now they are together. Although I’m mad at them, I’m happy that she met someone who really likes her because I didn’t give her the love she deserves. I just wish I didn’t give into my sexual desires prematurely. One time I dated a girl for 6 months and she just used me. She would be gone for 3 weeks at a time, then hit me up out of the blue and want me to come over. We never had sex because she said she wasn’t ready, and I was fine with that. But for her to not take the chance to get to know me really hurt. I hope the next time I find a great girl that we wait a while before we have sex. A part of me thinks I should wait until marriage, and another part of me thinks I should wait a year. Either way, I believe waiting is the best solution because it takes time to get to know a girl, to understand if you’re feelings are true, and to decide if you and her are compatible. I don’t seek women just to have sex with them and I try to stay committed after sex, but I realized from experience if I ever have premature sex again, it’s best to break it off instead of trying to force a connection.

    • Dear Roman, it’s great to have your perspective about premature sex. Thank you for sharing your thoughts from a guy’s point of view. Every experience presents a learning opportunity. The good thing is you have realized what is best for you and in knowing this, can approach things differently. Wishing you all the best in life and love.

  • Thomas

    Overall not bad advice but your point about taking a haitus from sex sounds a bit manipulative dont you think? It feels like you are encouraging women touse sex or lack of as a litmus test of sorts.
    Personally as a man i have an extremely huge sex drive. There is no way in hell i can wait a year for sex. That in no way means i love my partner any less. And personally i feelif a woman asks me to wait then she is not feeling that gut level animalistic attraction for me. It brings to mind the analogy of the newspaper where a woman will try and sell you the same newspaper for $10 when she gives it to another for free. Ultimately telling me to wait on sex means you see me as a beta male. Women will not make an alpha male wait long coz they know he has options. Early sex or delayed sex in no way ensures the guy is really into you or not. In fact my current girlfrend made her last three exes wait and all three of them pretended to be okay with it while they were sleeping around behind her back. If i were a woman i would be more sceptical of the guys that claim they can wait a year.

    • Dear Thomas, thanks for reading my article and sharing your perspective. I can understand how my point about taking a hiatus from sex can come across as manipulative. My intention about that wasn’t to be manipulative. It was to be able to learn a person’s true intentions.

      Ultimately, if both people are looking for a long-term relationship, it’s in their best interest to take the time to learn about each other at a more meaningful level – whether that takes a month, 3 months or longer. I really appreciate you stopping by and sharing your point of view.

  • Joshua Sims

    Seems to me like women these days want an instant hook-up style relationship right off the bat more often than not. From my experience women like this are usually wounded or have emotional and trust issues which eventually manifest themselves in irratic/abusive behaviour. I believe that finding someone truely capable of being intimate with you is what really matters. Not everyone is capable or comfortable with intimacy which is being vaunerable. An instant hook up relationship is an overcompensation to skip the difficult and risky stage of becoming intimate; and mask the insecurity with sexual pleasure (addiction). I believe taking one’s time is beneficial to bypassing people who are incapable of being intimate in order to find a lasting and higher nuturance relationship.

    • Dear Joshua, your perspective is very insightful and I love the wisdom in your belief about the capacity to be intimate and vulnerable. You sound like a high quality man with a great deal of awareness about what it takes to experience a healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

  • Plumas

    For what it is worth I had an experience entirely different than anyone else here who shared theirs. I met a woman at a professional event. We started flirting on the web then exchanged numbers. We started talking on the phone then she asked me out one evening on a whim after I baited her by telling her I would be in her area that nite. We met at a bar and spent time to talk and played pool Ate some food then went back to my hotel room. We had sex. A lot of it. We stayed in close contact by phone. Then we met again two weeks later for the day. We had a wonderful time. I even sent her flowers which she told me made her cry. Then she decided to date someone else she had never met — but was apparently talking to him on the phone during the same time she was getting to know me. She hinted to me a few times before she went to him that she might have sex with him. She asked me what kind of relationship I wanted with her. Knowing she might be baiting to tell me to take a hike or she might tell me something she thought I might want to hear, I told her to do what she feels is right. She then out of nowhere started to avoid me the same evening she raced to meet him for the first time. She sent me two strange texts the next day. I responded asking her: “What do you want from me?” She responded: “Still trying to figure that out.” Then she called and we talked. She said to me she started to date the man already despite the fact she had told me before she went that it was up in the air. I told her that I had an answer to her question from the day before and I would tell her what kind of relationship I wanted. However, since she started dating the guy I saw no point and told her that I felt I could never see her again because she showed me what she was made of. She stated that she refused to have the conversation because she claimed we were both too upset and hung up on me. I have not heard from her since. I am a big boy and can take care of myself. I just found all of this rather very weird. She constantly talked about “fucking” on the phone…very unusual even for a woman. She often told me I should visit her then she criticized me when I reciprocated once with an idea that we go somewhere for a weekend within the state. Thoughts? This is not the first time this happened to me but it is rare I see a woman behave this way with me so quickly. If I did anything “wrong” then I would be candid and share it here. But I did nothing wrong other than perhaps having sex with her too soon.

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