Why You Should Delay Sex if You Want a Real Relationship

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 07/02/2013

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A promising relationship can be derailed when both people have premature sex before getting to know each other and learning if they are truly compatible. Premature sex rushes things and creates an imaginary bond that isn’t strong enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

Premature Sex = Lust

Having sex early on gives a man very little incentive to get to know who you are. When a man doesn’t know who you truly are, the sex he has with you is based on lust (i.e. physical gratification), instead of a real like or love (i.e. deep emotional connection).

A woman tends to feel an emotional connection after having sex, even when she doesn’t really know who the man is. If the sex is amazing, oxytocin will trick you into thinking you’re compatible, even if he isn’t the right man for you. You’ll tend to fall for him soon after based on the illusion of who you think he is.

As you continue to have sex, your feelings become stronger and you feel more connected to him. You may even think you love him, when you actually lust for him.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Sexual encounters that are premature lead to short-term or on-again, off-again relationships that are about hanging out and hooking up. A man who sleeps with a woman who is quick to sleep with him, doesn’t think of this woman as someone to settle down with. His perception of an “easy woman” is easy come, easy go. She’s fine to sleep with, but isn’t marriage material.

If you find yourself having sex with a man early on, even if you tell him you don’t usually sleep with a man so soon, he won’t believe you because your actions show otherwise.

Take a Hiatus from Sex

If you want a real relationship with a man you really like and have been sleeping with him early on, stop having sex to see if you are both compatible. Taking a hiatus from sex will also show you if he is interested in the real you or just wants you for sex. A man who is just looking for sex will have no interest in getting to know you and will soon leave. While this may initially be hurtful, it’s best to know sooner than later.

A man who wants a genuine relationship will respect your wishes of taking a hiatus from sex until you get to know each other. He may not be happy about it, but will be okay with it. Learn what’s most important to him, what his values are, what his family is like, how he treats others, what he thinks about different topics, how he views the world, etc. Let him get to know you too.

Taking the time to learn about each other will reveal how compatible you are outside of the bedroom. If you’re both connected on a mind, body and soul level, this increases the possibility for your connection to turn into a lasting relationship.

The Bottom Line

If you want to be in a long-term relationship, delay sex until you both feel a connection on a mind, body and soul level. In doing so, you are knowing your worth by placing a higher value on yourself. As a result, you’ll attract a higher quality man who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

Related Article:  Guys Just Want to Have Sex with Me. How Do I Keep Them from Rushing Me Into Sex?

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  • http://www.thearabmatch.com/ Louay

    I completely agree with you Janet, if you are looking for a long term serious relationship then we must delay sex. In my opinion premature sex completely breaks down the serious relationships. I really liked your post and I am gonna share it on my Facebook wall with my friends. Thanks. :-)

  • http://www.loveforsuccessfulwomen.com Janet Ong Zimmerman

    Dear Louay, thank you for your kind words about my post and for sharing it on your Facebook wall. I appreciate that and also that you took the time to let me know your opinion on delaying premature sex.

  • UnicycleBloke

    This is the complete opposite of my experience. I have always sought long term, committed relationships, and regard sexual compatibility as no less important than emotional and intellectual compatibility. Doesn’t it hurt to become seriously emotionally involved with someone, only to discover that things don’t work in the bedroom? One or both of you may become deeply unsatisfied. Trust me, this is a soul-destroying marriage wrecker. It is a good idea to interleave physical intimacy with the other stuff when developing your relationship.

    • http://www.loveforsuccessfulwomen.com Janet Ong Zimmerman

      Thanks for sharing your experience, UnicycleBloke. I agree that sexual compatibility is just as important as emotional and intellectual compatibility. There’s also the case that if there is premature sex, only to discover that there isn’t a meaningful emotional connection, one or both may be disappointed. It sounds like you’ve been successful in having long-term, committed relationships by having sex early on in a relationship. You may be the exception. :) My experience and the experience of most women I’ve coached have been that when sex is premature, the relationship tends to be short lived.

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  • Missy

    Thanks for posting this. I definitly agree with you! There are so many players and cheats out there who just want to use women. I personally wouldn’t have sex less than a year, let alone a 1st date! Some women are lucky, most others aren’t. You never know what kind of person they are. My bf and I waited about two years. I know it’s seems pretty long, it’s nice to get to know the guy 1st :)

    • http://loveforsuccessfulwomen.com/ Janet Ong Zimmerman

      Thank you, Missy for your comments. You’re right – you never know what kind of a person they are. Taking the time to get to know someone is so beneficial. It lets you learn if you’re truly compatible and what kind of character and integrity that person has.

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