Guys Just Want to Have Sex with Me. How Do I Keep Them from Rushing Me Into Sex?

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 10/08/2013

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Consequences of Having Sex Too Soon

If you’ve you let a guy rush you into sex hoping things would turn into more or have mistaken lust for love only to feel used when things didn’t work out, it’s okay. Instead of being angry or feeling bad, be kind and forgiving towards yourself. It’s not personal. A guy is used to getting his way with sex because many women let him.

In the moment, the consequences of having sex with a guy too soon may not be top of mind. If you like him, you may go along with what he wants because you want him to like you. Having sex early on clouds your judgment. It causes you to miss red flags, fall for a projection of who you imagine him to be and do things you normally wouldn’t do. This causes you to compromise your integrity at the expense of your self worth.

Why You Should Wait

A guy has no incentive to get to you know at a deeper level if you have sex with him too soon. He may connect with you physically for the time being. But if you’re looking for more, emotional intimacy increases your chances of a long-term relationship.

Emotional intimacy happens before sex and is about getting to know each other at a deeper, more meaningful level. You learn about each other’s values, world and life views, each other’s quirks, family and friends, how you connect in various facets of life and much more. When he has an emotional connection with you, he is more vested in you and can imagine you in his life.

Building a strong and meaningful connection takes time. It can’t be rushed or forced. The more time you spend getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company, the more you learn if you are right for each other. And if the guy you’ve recently met is trying to have sex with you, instead of taking the time to get to know you, he is not “the one”.

How to Set the Pace

Act as if you’re the rule, not the exception, to increase the possibility of your connection turning into a relationship. Having your ideal relationship means loving yourself first by setting the pace that is right for you.

Ask, “How can I discourage a guy from just wanting to have sex so that he can learn more about me?” “How can I dress differently to encourage him to get to know the real me?” “How can I come across as interested and friendly without being too flirtatious or touchy feeling?” Let your answers change the way you come off to guys. Ultimately, you want to dress, behave and act in ways that get him to want to know who you are before sleeping together.

Decline his offer if you’re looking for more than sex. Don’t send mixed signals by saying “no” and continuing to kiss him. If you might be interested in him and he wants to know why you won’t have sex, say something like, “I’m at a place in my life where I’m looking for more than a physical connection. For me, sex is an intimate expression with a man I feel emotionally connected to. When I have this type of connection with the right man, I know that we will have amazing sex.” After sharing this with him, you’ll learn if he’s interested in you as a person or as a sex object. A high quality guy will respect your wishes and wait until you’re ready for sex.

When guys have wanted to have sex with you early on, what have you done to set the pace?

The Bottom Line: Stay true to what you want. Let a guy woo you and only have sex with him when it feels right for you.

Related Article: Why You Should Delay Sex if You Want a Real Relationship

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  • Jacob Hughes

    I will give the lady ample time to feel the connection… but if she is still declining sex after 3 months…I got to move on.

    • Dear Jacob, so glad you stopped by. Thanks for sharing a man’s perspective. I can understand where you are coming from. 3 months seems like a reasonable amount of time if there is a strong connection on multiple levels and both people are comfortable having sex. Take care.

    • Jay Lo

      lol, I’d say peace out! You wouldn’t be getting any until I married you.

    • Class_act

      I think you cannot put a time limit on it. It depends how much quality time you spend together and if you are open to emotional intimacy. I once dated a 30 yr old man who only texted, was always working and wondered why I would not be intimate with him. He thought the texting was enough in two months . We only went on two short dates yet he saw things completely different. If a man is not putting in the quality time, please stop rushing a woman to have sex with you. Stop being selfish and look at it from a woman’s perspective. She needs security that you are not using her for just instant gratification.

      3 months is very short amount of time to let a man inside of me. It usually takes me 5 months to get a good idea of a man’s character through his behaviors.

      • Thanks for sharing your perspective. You make a relevant point about taking the time to learn who a man is and allowing his character to show up by noticing his behaviors. That’s a healthy approach to knowing if he’s someone you want to have sex with.

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