How to Increase the Possibility of Getting Your Ex Back

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 11/19/2013

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“My boyfriend/husband broke up with me and I’m heartbroken. He says he needs time away to figure out if we’re right for each other. I know we’ve had some problems, but I thought things were still good. He is the love of my life and I can’t bear the thought of living without him. I’m afraid that he won’t come back. I want to talk to him and convince him how good we are together, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. What can I do to convince him to come back to me? Please help me!”

I’ve been getting this question and variations of it from many women. If you’re in this situation, the message in this post may help ease your fears and give you more clarity on how best to proceed.

Things That Push Your Ex Away

After a break up with the man you still love, it’s easy to become fearful at the thought of not ever being together. Losing the one you love can cause you to do things that end of having the opposite effect of what you truly want – to get him to come back to you. What typically happens in this situation is that a woman becomes desperate and takes the approach of “desperate times call for desperate measures.” Since she is under the influence of desperation, she may plead, beg and/or convince him to come back to her, promising that things will change. If this rings true for you, you will unintentionally lose your sense of self and self esteem.

Desperation will cause a knee-jerk reaction, such as pleading, begging and convincing your ex to come back. Love isn’t something you can convince someone of in a rational way (i.e. explaining why you should be together, why you’re good together, etc.). If you try to convince him when he’s not ready, this won’t bring him closer to you. The energy of desperation is a turn off and only serves to reinforce why he’s better off without you. It will push him further away.

Don’t Do These Things

Don’t reach out to him. Don’t try to be in places where he hangs out so that you can run into him. But if you happen to run into him, don’t show how depressed or hurt you are. Don’t talk about your breakup with friends and family if there is a chance you could get back together with him. You don’t need their opinions clouding things for you and you don’t want them to think badly of your ex as it will only make things awkward if you do get back together. Don’t be his booty call and have sex with him hoping that he’ll come back. Sex alone is never enough to keep a man in your life. He can have sex with any woman.

Increase Your Ex’s Desire to Want You Back in His Life

If you had a good relationship with your ex and he genuinely cares for you, there’s a possibility that he may realize he made a mistake by letting you go. If this happens, he will realize this because of your absence. Unlike women, a man needs time and space away from a woman in order to realize that he misses her. The time apart gives him space to remember the good times, to remember you at your best, to realize what he would be missing by not having you in his life. If he is remembering and realizing these things, this is a good sign. You’ll know if he is if he contacts you. You want him to remember you at your best because that’s what initially attracted him to you and kept him.

If he does contact you, your tendency may be to jump back in and pick up where things left off. Don’t do this because the same reasons that caused your initial breakup haven’t been resolved and it’s likely you’ll break up again. Instead, take some time to look at your breakup objectively, to understand the reasons that caused him to leave. Focus on the ways you contributed to these reasons, instead of faulting or blaming him. While it may seem unfair to focus on what you did, you only have control over yourself and your ability to change for the better.

What to do When You Want Him Back

One of the hardest things after a breakup is wondering, waiting, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. If he is genuinely a good man and you want to increase the chances for him to contact you, write and send him an email with the sentiment that you understand why he wanted to end the relationship (or why the relationship ended if he didn’t end it) without blaming or trying to get him back. After you write and send the “I understand” email, then see what happens.

It’s possible he may respond positively, and if he does, don’t try to get back together immediately. As mentioned, the same reasons that caused your breakup will resurface and cause another breakup. Instead, continue to reflect on your role in this relationship and how it contributed to the breakup. Then work on changing yourself so that you will become the best version of you. Also practice these suggestions from How to Get Him Back Without Seeming Needy and Desperate.

Be with the Guy Who Wants You

If your ex realizes he wants you back, he will contact you. If he does come back to you on his own, you will know the depths of his feelings for you. Ultimately, you want a guy who wants to be with you rather than a guy you convinced to come back to you. The guy who really wants to be with you will be more likely to stay and work through challenging times (vs. the guy you convinced may have the tendency to leave easily).

I believe that if love is meant to be, love will find a way. If you’re meant to be with this guy, you will be together. If you’re not meant to be together, it means that there is someone else who is a better fit for you. Take good care of yourself during this time. Be kind, gentle and considerate to yourself. Do things that soothe your soul. Spend time with people who care about your well being. Remember, this too shall pass. What are your insights from reading this post?

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  • Crushed


    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and was best friends with him since high school for over 10 years. We even went to high school formal together (Both 26 now). Our years have been bliss and he said that I was the one he wanted to marry, even though our (very rare) fights are the worst because he finds it hard to communicate his feelings. The fights are usually over money because he has a bad saving habit and I am extremely frugal.

    He broke it off with me after months of talks of engagement and moving out (he brought it up, not me so I never tried to pressure him into anything), but he has a HUGE passion for his car, and since he wants to put all his money into his car, he cannot go ahead with the engagement plans anymore. I was always supportive of him, but when he brought up the fact that all the money he saved for our house deposit and engagement ring will be going into his car instead, i felt heartbroken that he would choose his car over me. He has left me because I have (regrettably) threatened to leave him, but he ended up being the one breaking up with me.

    He said his reasons are that he hasn’t been happy the last couple of months and he wants his freedom ( a lot of his friends are still single) and that he hasn’t had a taste of single life (being with his ex for 3 years before going straight into a relationship with me). So he has made the heartbreaking decision to leave me.

    I tried to convince him that no one else would share the same history as we do, and we know everything about each other. And even though he agrees, he refuses to change his mind. I know deep down he cannot afford me due to his car because I wanted to marry him very soon (engagement ring, wedding, house, furniture).

    Our last conversation, he wouldn’t answer me about whether he still thinks I am the one for him and he didn’t say he still loved me even though I told him, even through all the hurt he has caused me, that I still think he is the one for me and that I still love him from the bottom of my heart.

    Is there any way I can change his mind on us? I’m trying to back off now – hoping he will miss me (and trying to focus on myself now) and also because he is in a pretty bad state and can’t think clearly, but I’m worried he will just drift further and further away if I give him more and more space. We used to do everything together, maybe that is another reason why he felt smothered and had enough.

    What should I do?? I’m so desperate to have him back because I can not see myself being 100% comfortable with another guy – someone who totally gets me and loves me for being me..

    • Miley

      I am also suffering from the same situation. My bf suddenly told me that he doesn’t want to continue and I am like hopeless. He neither receives nor replies back to my calls and messages. I too can’t think about any other man. I can understand what are you feeling right now. It is very hurtful but believe in your love. If he had a true relationship with you then surely he will come back to you. Probably give him sometime and give him his space. When he realises he will come back to you. I am also still waiting for my ex bf to come back to my life. Hope GOD helps us. Don’t stress much and tak care of yourself.

  • Julie Bowen

    I and my Ex have been best buddies and lovers since high school though everyone was against us, they never understanding our love for each other.This goes on until our 2nd year at the university that he told me he cannot be with me any longer and is tired of me this broke my heart completely and i felt like killing myself. i was browsing and then saw a testimony of Dr Mack and all the wonderful things he has done to people i decide to put my pride and shame aside and tell him my problem he didn’t discriminate and told me that everyone deserve to be loved no matter the situation surrounding it.All he needed was some information to cast the spell to bring him back and after that my martin came back to me and became the sweet martin i use to know, if anyone need his/her lover back contact DR_MACK(@)YAHOO. COM i am 1000% sure that he will bring your lover back to you

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