What to Do When You Don’t Know Where You Stand

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 04/08/2014

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Wondering if you should walk away or stay?  It depends.  If you have just met a guy you really like, it takes time to get to know one another.  This is a situation where you stay.  But if you like the guy you’ve been seeing for a while and aren’t sure where you stand, it can be hard to know what to do.

When a guy is not letting you know where you stand or makes himself scarce in your life, it’s understandable to feel confused and frustrated.  If you’re with a guy like this, don’t place a high value on him and don’t put him on a pedestal.  His actions are telling you that you are not his priority so don’t keep asking him where you stand and where the relationship is going.

Hanging out and hooking up or being in an on-again, off-again situation won’t make him realize how much he wants you in his life.  And giving him an ultimatum may force an outcome that you may not be prepared for.  Instead of taking the above-mentioned actions and setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache, here are some considerations.

What to Do

Depending on the situation you’re faced with, you will want to respond accordingly.

Situation #1: He doesn’t tell or show you where you stand

When a guy doesn’t tell or show you, he is keeping his options open because he is just not that into you.  He may want you for sex and not much more.  If you have sex with him, once the physical connection wears off, you will feel used and empty afterwards.

What you should do
Many women stay with a guy hoping the sex will change his mind.  But in the process, they exude an energy of desperation and devalue themselves – reinforcing his desire to keep his options open.  A guy like this isn’t worth your time.  You’re better off cutting ties and being available to meet a man who will tell and show you where you stand.

Situation #2: He tells you he wants you yet shows you otherwise

When a guy tells you that he wants you in his life, and acts like he sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t, his actions are telling you that he isn’t able or willing to fully commit to taking your relationship to the next level.  While he may like you, he values his freedom more.  And if he still hasn’t healed from a previous relationship, there are issues for him to work through so that he can be ready for a new relationship.

What you should do
Don’t try to do or be more in hopes that he will come around.  If you try to fix things about him and help him heal, you will most likely be disappointed.  He is on his own path in life with his own lessons to learn in his own time.  Let him go and learn his own lessons.  If he does work through his issues and realizes you are for him, he will come back for you.

Situation #3: He tells you he doesn’t want you yet shows you otherwise

When a guy tells you that he doesn’t want you in his life, but acts like he does, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  In other words, he wants to have the benefits of being single and having a girlfriend at the same time – when it’s convenient for him.

What you should do
Don’t give him the benefits of having a girlfriend when he’s just wanting to hang out and hook up.  This reinforces he can have his cake and eat it too.  If you really like him, stop doing things a girlfriend does and treat him like a friend.  Then see how he responds.  His response (or lack of) will reveal his true intentions.

Situation #4: He tells you and shows you he wants you

When a guy tells and shows you that he wants you in his life, believe him.  If you have a hard time believing him, it’s most likely because you don’t think you deserve to be with him.  (Thinking he is too good to be true is a form of thinking you’re not deserving.)

What you should do
Determine the reasons you think you are not worthy of being with him and work on improving your self worth by valuing yourself.  Notice the way you think about yourself.  For instance, if the thought of “I’m not good enough” often comes up, observe that thought curiously with judgment-free awareness.  Each time that thought comes up, continue observing this with curiosity and judgment-free awareness.  The more you observe this thought, it will begin to release itself.  Do this type of observation for all thoughts that keep you from knowing your worth.

Situation #5: He tells you and shows you he doesn’t want you

If he is telling and showing you that he doesn’t want you in his life, believe him.  If you don’t believe him, you are imagining him to be better than he is and not seeing him and the nature of your relationship for what they are.

What you should do
Respect yourself – leave so that you can preserve your self esteem.  Respect his choice instead of trying to convince him otherwise.  You won’t have to throw yourself or convince the man who is right for you.  If a man is the one for you, you will know how he feels and where you stand.

Still Unsure?

If you are still unsure what to do and have been seeing a guy for a while who isn’t forthcoming about where you stand, your intuition and body knows.  Notice how you feel about yourself when you’re with him, in between the times you see him and when you’re without him.  Walk away if: (1) you don’t feel good about yourself when you’re with him or at the thought of him; or (2) you’re with him because you’re afraid you won’t meet anyone else.

Make your decision by placing more weight on his actions and less weight on his words.  If he wants you in his life, he will say and do things that show you are important to him.  You won’t have to guess or wonder.  You will just know.  The man who is right for you won’t keep you in limbo.  He will make you a priority, not an option.

It’s Not Personal

If you’re in a situation where he has been making you an option and not letting you know where you stand, don’t take it personally.  Here’s why.  Whatever a guy says and does has to do with his level of integrity, where he is at in his life and what he wants.  It’s really about him and not you.  You just happen to be the one who has showed up in his life at this time.

If you’ve been disappointed from dating and heartbroken from on-again and off-again relationships, consider taking the approach that lets a man cherish, appreciate and respect you. Learn why you should let a man woo you.  

 

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  • Private Property

    “When a guy is not letting you know where you stand or makes himself scarce in your life, it’s understandable to feel confused and frustrated. If you’re with a guy like this, don’t place a high value on him and don’t put him on a pedestal. His actions are telling you that you are not his priority so don’t keep asking him where you stand and where the relationship is going.”

    As a man, this is where I take this advice. What I hear is that you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. That is all the more reason why I seek a flexible giver, someone who is not structured, what your advice might lead women to be. Also, a man’s mission in my experience should come before any woman, and the woman should be attracted to the main and the mission. this is stuff I learned the hard way with women of my nation (the USA), trust me. Maybe I’m still not doing it right, but this is the best way. If I could find a flexible giver, a woman who sees past the games, that would be great. But women like challenge, and as long as that’s true, and as long as they are repulsed by anti-challenge, there will be a need for men to be careful about making a woman his priority. That’s all the more reason why I look for women who aren’t structured. I think women need to know certain things about men and their interests, but you need other methods. I don’t know. BTW I’m not here to tell women who to be attracted to or not. I’m not here to whine. I am here to say that I don’t have sympathy for women who get screwed around by men who don’t care, who they sleep when, when they disdain or scorn the man who is straightforward and lose attraction for him because he is so simple. In other words, I don’t have sympathy for the men, but I don’t have sympathy for the women either. You’re lucky you got the welfare state and people to pay in to keep you going on your merry go round.

    • Hello Private Property, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts about this post. If the best way you’ve found (women who are flexible givers and not structured) is working for you, that’s great and you should continue with that. I can see how some women like a challenge, and also know women who aren’t looking for a challenge. In other words these women are wanting to be with men who don’t play games, are straightforward, and genuine. In an ideal world, both men and women would let their guard down and be open with each other. And in doing so, they would be free to really enjoy their relationship.

  • Meghan Morris Dorriety

    I have been talking to a guy for a couple of months…. we have known each other for a long time but recently connected and started talking. I am separated from my husband right now and he is currently married and still living with his wife. He has told me he isn’t happy and that he wants out of his marriage…. we live in a small town and people have been talking about me and him but about some rumors about me and someone else which he knows aren’t true but ever since then he has backed off talking to me as much! When I try to ask him about things between us he says that he needs time to figure out things in his life and what he’s going to do but I feel like it’s more than that! We went from talking everyday all day to maybe every other day and I start the conversation! How do I find out what is going on with us without scaring him off?

    • Dear Meghan, thanks for sharing your situation with me. To know what is going on, pay attention to his actions. Him backing off shows he isn’t wanting what you want. Trying to contact him (and continuing to do so) will keep him away. Even though he’s told you he wants out of his marriage, the reality is he is still married and living with his wife.

      Since he’s not available and since you’re not really available either, the only thing that can come from continuing to communicate with him is pain and confusion. My suggestion is to let him go and let him figure out on his own, what he’s going to do. Until he actually ends his marriage and leaves his wife, and you are no longer married, there is no possibility for you to be with each other in a happy and healthy relationship. Take good care.

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