How to Let Your Feelings Guide You to Mr. Right

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 05/26/2015

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If you’re single and still looking for a man who fits the list of your must-have qualities, here’s why you should let go of this list.  While your mind thinks it knows what you want, the reality is, it doesn’t know what you need to feel completely fulfilled.  Here’s an example of what I mean.  Have you ever met a guy who meets your criteria but doesn’t touch your heart deeply?  If you have, it’s because your mind was guiding your choice in men.

Your mind thinks it knows what you want – a man who is financially stable, has a good job, drives a newer car, owns a nice home, tall, a full head of hair, in great shape, dresses well, trustworthy, communicates well, etc.  And though the qualities on your list may attract a great man, if you haven’t yet done the inner work to release deeply rooted fears and self-sabotaging beliefs, it will be very difficult to keep him in your life.

Your mind keeps you from knowing what your heart and soul wants and needs to be fulfilled in love.  When you connect with your feelings by noticing the emotions and energy within your body, you will be guided to Mr. Right.

If you’re wondering, “Doesn’t my list help me set standards for the kind of man I want?”  The short answer is having a list and standards don’t go hand in hand.  You could have a list that has nothing to do with the kind of standards you deserve.  For instance, a man who is [list items] good-looking, fun loving, sense of humor, has a great job, owns a house, drives a modern car, is good in bed, won’t necessary produce a man who [standards] appreciates, cherishes and loves you.  You will know these standards by the feelings you get from the way a man treats you.

If a man meets your standards, you will feel this in your body (i.e. things feel right, your body is open and feels at ease, etc.).  Your mind may try to convince you otherwise, and when it does, don’t believe it.

How Lists Tend to Keep You from Mr. Right

Lists are a way of making you inflexible by wanting things to happen a certain way.  Lists are about wanting to control things and give you the false illusion you are in control.

Lists keep you safe because if you are only open to guys who have the qualities on your list, and if a guy you meet doesn’t fit the criteria, you can easily write him off instead of possibly getting hurt.

Lists give you a narrow view and keep you closed off to men who come in many packages.  By sticking to your list, you miss out on the possibility of high quality men who are outside of your peripheral vision.

Lists cause you to be too picky, have unrealistic expectations, and set you up for disappointment since it is rare to find a man who fits every aspect of your list.

Lists keep you looking for qualities in a man to make up for what you may not possess, to make you feel complete, and to make you look good.  This outward approach can keep you from focusing on what matters most – feeling whole and complete despite what a man brings to you.

Lists don’t ensure chemistry, they just ensure qualities that may or may not be a good fit with whom you are and who you would like to become.

Lists tend to give you Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.  This is because lists aren’t an indicator of life-long compatibility.

If you haven’t yet found Mr. Right, retire your list and let your feelings be your guide.

The Best Way to Let Your Feelings Guide You to Mr. Right

Letting your feelings be your guide helps you know when Mr. Right shows up.  It also lets you realize the list isn’t what truly matters.

To begin learning if he is Mr. Right, identify how you want to be feeling with a man.  For instance, if you’d like to be feeling happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, notice how you are feeling when you’re with him, when you’re not with him, and when you think of him.  If you are feeling happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, these are good signs that he may be your Mr. Right.  If he is Mr. Right, those feelings with be predominant within you.

Those feelings will be predominant instead of permanent because you’re human.  As a human, if you’re in the early to mid-stages of evolving through personal/spiritual growth, it is natural for doubt to creep in.  In a healthy relationship, these doubts will not overshadow the wonderful feelings you have.  As you evolve even more, certainty will replace doubt.  If he is not Mr. Right, feelings of uncertainty, doubt, and confusion will overshadow wonderful feelings.

Use Pareto’s Principle (the 80/20 rule) if your analytical mind is wondering, “How do I know if the doubts I have are natural or telling me he is not the one?”  If 80% of the time you are feeling happy, peaceful, secure, yourself, and 20% of the time you feel unsure about things, the 20% may be your humanness creeping in trying to analyze and control.  In this situation, this is a good sign to let things unfold to learn if he is Mr. Right.

If 80% of the time you are feeling unhappy, ill at ease, insecure, not being your true self, and 20% of the time you are happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, this is a sign that you may be trying to make the wrong guy into Mr. Right.  In this situation, don’t talk yourself into why you should try to make things work.  Otherwise, you’ll lose more time and your self-esteem.  Instead, free yourself for meeting Mr. Right.

Feelings are an accurate indicator of what you want when it comes to love.  Letting feelings drive your decisions and choices makes the process easier, dissolves worry, keeps you from focusing on shallow and insignificant qualities, makes you less likely to misread lust and infatuation as love, and expands your choices in men.

A Bridge to Letting Go of Your List

Sometimes trying to do things differently can be difficult because it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know and are comfortable with.  In these instances, it helps to take small steps instead of leaping to the other side.  I call this crossing the bridge.

If you are feeling resistant or not comfortable letting go of your list, here’s how you can cross the bridge.  Pare down your list to the absolute essentials where 80% are about a man’s integrity, morals and values, and 20% are about his physical appearance, possessions and profession.  Then notice the way he treats you and how your body feels.  If you are feeling open and uplifted, he is meeting your standards.  If you are feeling let down and stressed, he is not meeting your standards.

How will you start letting your feelings guide you to Mr. Right?

Related Article:  Is He the Right Guy for You?

 

 

 

 

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  • uigs

    But how do you know if your feelings aren’t negatively impacted by negative thought patterns? I feel confused about that because in a recent dating scenario I felt I was getting mixed signals then the guy ended it after 5 dates. I now wonder, what if those signals were only mixed cause of my irrational thoughts and my thoughts affected my feelings and my behavior and I didn’t bring my best confident self to the dating scenario? How does one know the difference, between not the right guy and not showing up the right woman? Some people could say I got mixed signals, some might disagree. I could have not thought signals were mixed and felt more confident but instead what if it became a self-fulfilling prophecy?
    I have been working on my self-esteem and feel I am a bit further along in my journey as I don’t chase men and try to be open and receptive and I am going to sign up for your woo course, but when I perceived the mixed signals I stayed open to it cause the man showed a lot of good things and is a good-hearted man for sure. I wonder if I misperceived the signals and botched the early dating. I am confused.

    • Dear uigs, dating/relationships are a dance where the dynamics of both
      people influence how they react and respond in different situations. In the situation where this guy was giving you mixed signals, he was mostly likely uncertain about you, not fully into you, or wanting to keep his options open.
      This will understandably cause you to feel confused and not be your best
      self. When you aren’t your best self, it reinforces one or all of the three reasons for giving you mixed signals. This then becomes a cyclical pattern meaning the more he gives you mixed signals, the more you are confused and can’t be your best self, then the more mixed signals you get, and the more confused you are…and so on.

      In your situation, you were most likely trying to figure out the dynamics with your mind which got in the way of connecting with how you were truly feeling. When you reflect back on the time you spent with him and the time you were apart, you may recall moments where things did not feel right (i.e. he said the right words, but actions revealed otherwise, which caused you to feel uncertain). When things don’t feel right, even when you were thinking negative thought patterns, your body was telling you something wasn’t right. That is the moment to pay close attention to what is going on in the present moment and how your body is feeling.

      Here’s a defining moment to remember as you move forward, even if he is a good guy, mixed signals are never a good sign. When you perceived the mixed signals (red flags) and stayed open to it because he showed a lot of good things and is a good-hearted man (your mind trying to rationalize), there were times where something wasn’t right (your feelings trying to tell you to listen).

      Moving forward, pay more attention to your feelings as they are a more accurate indicator of what is really going on (uncertain about you, not fully into you, or wanting to keep his options open). The next time, trust your feelings and you will see things more clearly for what and know what to do instead of being confused.

      I’m glad to know you will be enrolling in my Woo Course. One of the many things this course does is to help you see things clearly for what they are instead of wondering what a man’s true intentions are. Take good care.

      • uigs

        Hi Janet, Thanks for your response. It is helpful, I like how you put it that it’s a dance. I signed up for your woo course, which I am excited about. I had a hard time with this overall cause in dating him a lot of junk was coming up from my divorce, things were resurfacing that I hadn’t thought of in awhile. Also, I like to go slow physically and emotionally and I feel maybe I need to be more emotionally vulnerable at times. He was surprisingly open and also a sensitive man, which is actually opposite from men I’ve met and it takes me a bit to open up. I also miscommunicated a few times, I could see from his reaction, I felt misunderstood but it was so early in dating to really know him.

        Nevertheless, I suppose the mixed signals were there, but on a very subtle level, and if compared to the hot signals the mixed signals dulled. After 6 or so dates he ended it with me cause he said we were too different (he didn’t tell me how) and it wouldn’t work for him in the long term, said it would be harder to end later. I thought we were still getting to know one another, of course I kind of tried on the long-term picture but I wasn’t deciding on anything yet, I knew I liked him and was attracted though, I also realized some differences but not ones I yet determined really matter in a relationship.

        I guess since he felt that way I could have perceived some subtle mixed signals that made me feel less confident. The feeling part was that I was ready for the date, nervous and excited to see him but then once I saw him I wouldn’t sense that back and I would then calm and feel more closed. I thought maybe he was nervous or something cause some men freeze up when they like a girl and he was still initiating dates with me, I just wasn’t sure what it meant. I don’t think that I could have known any sooner either it was still very early dating and nothing was so mixed that it was a deal-breaker.

        I guess it wasn’t the right match though, it just hurts a bit cause he was the first guy I liked that treated me well for a long time.
        I guess I am going to work on unpacking some baggage from past relationships and being more confident in my life and more present.

        • Dear uigs, you’re welcome and I’m glad it is helpful. If you have any questions about the lessons in the woo course, please let me know as I am here to support you. This is good, “…a lot of junk was coming up from your divorce, things were resurfacing that you hadn’t thought of in a while”, as these things are opportunities to learn and evolve into your best self.

          Every dating experience (and relationship) gives you more awareness about who you are at a deeper level and areas you may want to change within. If you can look at your situation from the perspective of, “How did this experience happen for my greater good?”, that will help you stay open to learning and growing into your best self.

          As you evolve, the kind of men who show up in your life will continue to be better and better. That is wise of you to work on releasing baggage from past relationship and becoming more confident within.

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