What Not to Do When You Desperately Want Love

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 02/02/2016

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Love is the most powerful force that causes us to do desperate things, including acting in cringe-worthy ways that make us regretful. I know this firsthand and at the time when I was doing cringe-worthy things, I didn’t equate it with desperately wanting love.

Being desperate about love caused me to not see things clearly. I overlooked red flags, misread things, and imagined things to be a certain way when they weren’t. For instance, after a long dry spell of not dating anyone, I met a guy whom I really connected with. We had a great time and because I wanted things to work out, I overlooked red flags including his recent breakup with his fiancé, and him selling his house to move out of state. Needless to say, things ended a few months after we met.

If you relate to what I’ve shared, you’ve most likely done the same or something similar. In this situation, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and learn from what you’ve been doing so you can stop taking a desperate approach to love.

If you’re not sure if you’re desperate for love or want confirmation, here are 10 signs to help you know.

Subtle (and not to subtle) signs that reveal if you desperately want love

1. You obsess about love (i.e. not finding it, guys you’re dating, how things will turn out, etc.).
2. You feel constantly depressed about your relationship status.
3. You sleep with guys early on hoping things turn into more.
4. You compare yourself to others and judge yourself negatively.
5. You’re not happy for others when they’re in a fulfilling relationship.
6. You’re settling for less than you deserve or want.
7. You can only feel happy and whole when you’re in a relationship.
8. You don’t have much going on in your life; your life is your relationship.
9. You give and do too much and get very little in return.
10. You don’t want to admit you want love badly.

Being in denial about any of the above signs also means you desperately want love. Desperately wanting love is actually okay. After all, you’re human. But here’s what you should know. When wanting and looking for love out of desperation, the kind of guys who show up and the relationships you find yourself in will let you down.

Still feeling desperate?

Even if you’re feeling desperate, here are five things not to do that will move you closer to uplifting love.

1. Stop acting like you’re okay with not having love if you really aren’t. We can’t change what we’re unwilling to acknowledge. By acknowledging you’re not okay, you begin to accept what is which brings in the kind of energy to help you take steps towards what you want.

2. Don’t throw yourself into you work. It’s understandable to put your focus on what you know or are good at. But when you put your energy into your work, work will continue to consume your life. Instead, devote some time to your love life by having an presence on online dating sites, spending time in places where your ideal man may be, being social, etc.

3. Stop chasing after guys. Many guys have become lazier in love and when you chase after a guy, you end up doing all the work and feeling unloved. Let guys chase after you and if a guy you really like isn’t chasing you, let him go. Ultimately, you want a guy who is going to be into you.

4. Don’t get sidetracked by the wrong guys and relationships. Don’t go out with a guy who isn’t right for you just because you’re not dating anyone. Every guy you date and relationship you’re in that isn’t for you takes you further away from the right man and relationship. Be selective about who you go out with.

5. Stop having commiserating and depressing conversations about love with your girlfriends. Nothing good comes from having those constant conversations. Make a pact with your friends to talk about uplifting subjects, and if the conversations goes down the dark side, don’t engage and change the subject.

Consistently putting those five practices into your love life will help release desperation and create the space for inner calm. You’ll see things clearly for what they are and once again feel uplifted about love. What will you begin to practice?

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