From Struggle to Feeling Empowered: My Journey to Love

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 03/15/2016

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There was a time when I felt powerless about my love life — I waited to be chosen or tried hard in subtle and not so subtle ways to get that cute guy’s attention.  Both led me down the path of disappointment, heartache, and wondering if I would find true and lasting love.

In hindsight, the way I was being and what I did didn’t create the ideal conditions for a man to lean in.  I appeared to be indifferent or came across as eager.  While indifference and eagerness seem opposing, the result was the same.  I unknowingly created conditions that caused a guy I really liked to lean away from me.

Whenever we let something happen to us, we’ll always feel powerless

After two breakups with my now husband, I found myself at the intersection of heartache and a sudden realization.  I had let (what I thought was) love happen to me, and it wasn’t the only time.  In past dating experiences and relationships, things just sort of happened.  I never really stopped to think I could actually create the right conditions for love to thrive.

You see…I had a rich history of looking outward and being afraid to share how I really felt because I was more connected with my thoughts and less connected with my feelings.  After two breakups and decades of not being successful in love, I was forced to look inward.

By looking inward and changing myself from the inside, I created the right conditions for higher value men to show up.  But here’s how things were before and what I did…

Struggling with the discomfort of not being where I thought I should be

I wasn’t able to relax about my love life.  From the outside, I appeared to be calm.  But inside, I struggled with the discomfort of not being where I thought I should be.  While I wanted to be seen as lighthearted, my inner turmoil caused me to seem uptight.  The energy from inner turmoil overshadowed my appearance of calmness and weighed me down.  And as you know, being around an uptight person makes you want to run the other way.

When we’re not honest with ourselves about our struggles, these struggles continue and emit distance-keeping energy.  So here’s what I did that finally released the struggle within and created the ideal conditions for higher value men to show up.  And in the process, brought my now husband back.

I realized I had been showing up with one foot in and one foot out with men, on dates and in relationships.  By not having both feet firmly planted in, I never had to fully show up and commit.  This caused men to show up who were never fully in.

Releasing my struggles empowered me to shift my love life for the better 

Knowing I wasn’t getting any younger and wanting to experience deep and fulfilling love were the impetus for me to fully show up.  I started by expressing myself, reframing commitment as a place to be supported and loved for who I am, and living a multi-dimensional life I love.  In other words, I was laying the foundation for the kind of conditions I wanted to create for the rest of my life.

The more I stepped into speaking my truth, believing in commitment, and living a zestful life, the more my experience of love and life changed for the better.  You see, when we show up in a genuine and courageous way, we create the conditions that inspire the right man to lean in and let love thrive.

How do you want to show up?

It’s your turn now.  Think about how you want to show up in your love life.  Then pinpoint your struggles to release.  Between those two points is the bridge you’ll take to show up in the way that inspires more of the right men to lean in.  For instance, if one of your big struggles is missing/overlooking red flag behaviors, could it be that you need to listen to and trust your intuition?

List your struggles in the comments section of this post and I’ll meet you there to give you some guidance on how to get started.

Here’s the truth — the process of releasing your struggles isn’t easy.  There’s no magic pill or wand that will do the work for you.  You’ll feel uncomfortable and a bit scared at first.  This process takes courage, persistence and faith.  But when you consistently do the inner work to release your struggles, you will experience the kind of love you’ve dreamed of.

P.S. If you’d like to show up in a more feminine way and inspire your man to cherish, hear, and understand you, get your free pass to The Alluring Woman Series.  This online event will help you learn how to step into your femininity, and let your guard down, so you can let love in.  

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