How to Find Peace With a Breakup You Didn’t Want

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 05/03/2016

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Breakups tend to be heartbreaking, especially if you desperately wanted things to work out or were blindsided when it happened.  If you’ve been or are in this situation, then you know how excruciating things are – you obsess over him and wonder if he’s thinking about you.  Focusing on work is impossible, nights and weekends are harder than week days, and life is no longer the same.

I know how painful things are after a breakup.  For me, the pain endured after a series of breakups with a few wonderful men that shook me to the core.  I lost confidence in my ability to find and have true love.  And I began to think, “Maybe I’m not lovable” and wondered if I would ever find that special someone.  If your breakup has shook you to the core, I completely understand how you’re feeling and hope these next words help you feel more at ease.

Sometimes a breakup is meant to bring you back together…

On occasion, a breakup happens when two people still deeply care for and love each other.  This is usually due to unresolved issues that affect the dynamics of the relationship, where one or both individuals don’t know how to work through the issues.

So, how do you to tell the difference between unresolved issues that can be resolved vs. unresolved issues where both individuals are better off apart?  The way to tell the difference is if the desire to resolve things are coming from a place of fear or love.

If coming from fear, you’ll feel desperate, insecure, and will behave and act in ways to solely get back together with your ex.  In the process, you won’t feel good about yourself because you’ll be compromising your values.  If you do get back together, the changes you made won’t be sustainable since they didn’t come from within.  When fear is the underlying energy, a relationship can’t thrive.

If coming from love, you’ll do the inner work to improve things from your end without demanding that he do the work. If things are meant to be, the way you’re changing will inspire him to change in positive ways.  And during the process, you’ll feel good about yourself and at ease with whatever happens.  You’ll have an inner knowing that what you’re doing is moving you closer to love, whether it’s with your ex or with someone else.

Related Articles: When is it time to move on? and How to Increase the Possibility of Getting Your Ex Back.

The breakup wasn’t about you…

You just happened to be the person in your ex’s life during that period of time.  You may have heard of the saying, “People come into our lives for a reason, a season or lifetime.  You came into each other’s lives for a reason or season.

If you were in each other’s lives for a reason, it was to meet an expressed need (i.e. help you through a difficulty, give you support and guidance, help you physically, emotionally or spiritually).  You’re both there for the reason you’re needing.  Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, he will say or do something that ends the relationship.  When you realize your need has been met, your desire fulfilled, and their work is done, you’ll understand it is time to move on.

If you were in each other’s lives for a season, it was to share, grow or learn.  He brought you an experience of something you wanted or needed, or taught you something you’ve never learned.  He probably gave you a great deal of joy.  It was real, but only for a season.

After sharing, learning, and growing the way you’re meant to, you then open yourself up to someone for a lifetime relationship.  Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons – things you need to cultivate in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your role is to accept the lesson, love the person, and use what you have learned in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Breaking up is a part of the journey…

You will always break up until you’re with the one.  And the one can’t show up and you won’t recognize him if you’re with someone else.  If you’ve been unhappier than happy, if the dynamics with your ex felt more like a struggle than ease, or if you tended to accommodate his needs and desires while yours were not being met, those are signs that the one hasn’t yet shown up in your life.

In breakups where those signs exist, letting things end with grace will help ease the struggles with your breakup.  Every end represents a new beginning for something wonderful to show up in your life.  Be open to the possibility that the ending of your relationship is bringing you closer to the one.

Transitioning through a breakup with more ease

If you’re going through a breakup or are still reeling from your relationship ending, accepting things as they are will help you transition with more ease.  Here’s why…

What you resist, persists.  When you refuse to accept your breakup, the turmoil, pain, and heartache live on.  Ruminating about if you did everything you could to keep your relationship intact, questioning why he broke up with you, thinking of ways to run into him – all those things keep alive what’s meant to be in the past.

If your heart is still aching and you’re having a hard time moving forward, learn why the only way out of heartache is to go through it, and what to do.

What is your biggest takeaway after reading this post?

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