Why knowing if he’s the one is hard
When you’re with a guy you really like and things seem hopeful, or when you’ve been in a long-term relationship and want things to work out that’s a difficult question to answer. Yet if you’re looking for a committed relationship with someone you want to spend your life with, knowing the answer within the first 3-6 months is ideal so you don’t spend unnecessary time and energy on something that’s not meant to be.
Hindsight is 20/20 and part of me wishes I had known the importance of answering that question early on. But things aren’t necessarily ideal — I was the type that learned through trial and error when it came to love. Knowing what I know now, here’s what I would have told my 20-something year-old self in hopes that it helps you answer that question.
How clearly know if he’s the one
Clarity is the key to knowing the difference between the one for now and the one for always. The problem with clarity is it’s a catch 22. Since you’re the one in your situation, it’s hard to be objective which makes it hard to see things clearly.
So, how can you see clearly while in the situation? By being very aware of what’s going on in these areas.
- The thoughts you have about the guy you’re with and your relationship
- The way you feel from having those thoughts
- The dynamics of your relationship and how they fit (or don’t fit) with your values
- How he treats you and how you feel about that
Being aware means being present to “what is” so you connect with your true feelings instead of talking yourself into someone that isn’t right for you.
Steps to seeing your situation clearly
- When you’re with your guy, notice the thoughts that tend to come up for you. Then notice how they make you feel.
- When you’re by yourself, reflect on the thoughts that repeatedly come up for you around your guy and relationship.
- Then feel into those thoughts and notice if they feel draining or uplifting.
- Write down the thoughts and feelings for #1-3.
- Reflect on the dynamics of your relationship (i.e. frequency and method of communication, time spent, who initiates more, who gives more, etc.).
- List out your values and what’s most important to you. For instance, perhaps intimate conversations, being a priority, spending 3 days a week with your partner, etc., are what’s most important.
- List out your answers from #5 and 6. Then see where they align and where the gaps are. Reflect on, “Is it possible to close the gap so those areas are closer to what you’d like?” If yes, that’s a positive sign. If no, that’s a red flag.
- Answer, “How does he treat you and how do you feel about that?” If you feel good about the way he treats you, that’s a positive sign. If not, that’s a red flag.
If you find yourself justifying anything from #1-8 that doesn’t feel right or good to you, he is not the one for you.
What if you’re still unclear or having a hard time accepting that he’s not the one…?
Embrace your situation and let the answer come to you
Be kind to yourself. If you’re not clear, or having a hard time accepting what you know you should do, or if you’ve been with a guy for more than 6 months, it’s okay. As I’ve mentioned, things aren’t necessarily ideal. Look at your situation from this perspective – when you are open to learning and growing, every relationship presents the opportunity to become your best self.
Stay open and let the answer come to you instead of trying to force things. Your inner wisdom will let you know when it’s time to move on. And if you still need more clarity in order to help the answer come to you, post your question in the comments section and I’ll meet you there.
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