Does Being Comfortable or Chemistry Matter More?

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 03/07/2017

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With such a big emphasis placed on chemistry, it’s easy to underestimate the importance of comfortable.  We end up dating and being in relationships with charismatic men who cause us to jump through hoops when we behave and act in ways that aren’t true to who we are.

Intense chemistry kept me from being my true self

When I think back to the intense chemistry I had with certain guys, there were high highs and low lows.  Uncertainty, worry, and trying to please were central themes in all of those connections.  And since I wasn’t comfortable being my true self, my self-expression was limited.  Much of the time, I didn’t share my real thoughts and feelings, and wasn’t comfortable asking for what I really wanted.

At 29 years old, He showed up in my life with his dimpled cheeks, smooth-talking words, and adventurous ways.  He was contagious!  The crazy chemistry between us led me to sleep with him on our second date, dismiss obvious red flags, imagine we had a serious relationship when it was just a casual connection driven by off-the-charts chemistry.

During our brief time together, I felt excited, but never comfortable.  And when things ended, the deep shame I felt around my behaviors and actions seeped in and sat with me for a long time.

If you’ve been swept away like I was, then you know how crazy chemistry with the wrong guy can make you to do things and act in ways that feel uncomfortable and unnatural.  To keep yourself from being swept away into the abyss of off-the-charts chemistry that ends in shame, here’s what you can do…

Choose to be comfortable and let chemistry happen naturally

Set the pace by taking the time to get to know each other on multiple levels.  When you slow things down, you’re better able to recognize if you’re acting and behaving in ways that aren’t true to who you are.  By consciously knowing what you’re doing and how you’re being, you can intentionally practice being more of your real self by expressing your true thoughts, feelings, and desires.

When you’re on dates or in a relationship, notice how you’re feeling.  If you feel relaxed and secure when you’re around him, if you’re speaking authentically, and if you’re interactions tend to flow with ease, those are good signs.  When you’re being who you really are, you open up the space for him to be more of who is he.  In that space is where you’ll both be connecting on the most genuine level — this means you’re both comfortable with each other.

If you’re especially attracted to a guy, you’ll want to be perceived a certain way so he’ll like you more. You’ll feel on edge and won’t be able to relax.  You’ll tend to censor your words and do things that don’t leave you feeling good about yourself.  In that situation, chemistry is overtaking you and you’ll be building a shaky foundation.

Chemistry still matters   

It’s easy to be consumed by not having or having chemistry with a man you really like, which overshadows the importance of comfortable.  While it’s better for comfortable to be a priority, you’ll still want there to be chemistry with your man since that’s what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.

If you find yourself placing a lot of weight on chemistry or trying to force it, just relax and notice how comfortable you feel around him.  If you feel like you can be your true self (i.e. you’re able to share your real thoughts and feelings, and he’s receptive and respects what you share), you have the makings of a solid foundation.  And if chemistry is meant to be, it will happen.

The bottom line

Start making your way towards comfortable if you tend to focus on chemistry a lot.  Making your way means getting to know yourself at a deeper level by embracing all of who you are, expressing your true thoughts, feelings, and desires, and not sacrificing your integrity and happiness for a man.  With the right man, you’ll feel comfortable and have chemistry.  What are your thoughts about being comfortable vs. having chemistry?

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  • Renee

    Wow, I wish I had read this several months ago. There was someone I had incredible chemistry with. However, every thing you wrote about not being able to be yourself is so true. I did not recognize who that person was, it was definitely not me. He and I had so much in common and I feel that I missed out on what could have been a great relationship had I allowed him to get to know the true me. Being comfortable with someone is definitely important.

    • Dear Renee, thanks for sharing your situation. I and most every woman have been there too – it can be bittersweet when there’s incredible chemistry and the feeling of a relationship that could have been great. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for our greater good.

      Although things didn’t work out with him, he showed up in your life to help you learn and grow. In what ways have you learned and grown from that experience, and how will that help you move forward in a positive manner?

      • zman7777

        Great Question !!
        The experience of being swept away in a whirlwind of chemistry is surely
        Intoxicating and probably more closely associated with infatuation
        Than love.
        On the other end of the relationship
        Spectrum lies the dynamic
        Of getting to comfortable for too long with each other and then tring to add the chemistry ingredient to a very authentic and loving friendship . This friends first approach probably works out even less in my opinion than the “swept away” scenario. Chemistry becomes somewhat planned and even forced , and both loving friends become extremely sensitive about the
        Sexual / chemistry factor
        Ruining their great relationship .
        Wow it almost sounds hopeless. ..pick your poison . The truth is… just like in everything else balance is the key.
        Hey Im no expert by any means but I’m recommending 60 % chemistry
        40 % comfort based on my experiences… gotta walk that middle ground !!

        • Hello zman7777, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts about being swept away by chemistry and getting too comfortable for too long… you make some relevant points. I too think balance is important and like how you put percentages for each.

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