Why You Should Never Fall Into an Instant Relationship

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 07/21/2015

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In a society where people couple up and being single can be a stigma, falling into an instant relationship is tempting and easy.  The rush that comes from being in an instant relationship may make you feel flattered.  After all, what’s not to like about a guy who seems to want you?  But when the rush wears off, you may be left wondering if you moved too fast into something that isn’t quite right for you.

How I found myself in an instant relationship

At 30 years old, I accidentally fell into an instant relationship – accidentally because I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.  After being in an on-again, off-again relationship for 7 years, then being let down by a guy I was infatuated with, and having a dry spell with my dating life, I was wanting to be in a relationship.

I met Him while I was living in Kansas City, MO.  He recently moved to the area and didn’t know anyone there.  When He showed up in my life, we became an instant couple.  He moved in with me shortly after and we spent most of our time together.

Because things moved so fast, I didn’t see things for what they were.  And since I was flattered by the attention he gave me, I overlooked some big red flags.

9 months later, a job promotion brought me to southern California and he decided to move with me.  A few months into our move, I went from being flattered to freaking out inside because the Ooh Ah phase of our relationship had worn off to reveal his dark side (and mine too).

When the “ooh ah” phase wore off, instead of seeing the signs, I kept hoping things would change for the better.  I gave his bad moods the benefit of the doubt, thinking the transition was difficult for him since he didn’t know anyone in southern California and was stressed from starting a new business.

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What to Do When You Feel Rejected

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 07/07/2015

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How Rejection Runs Our Lives

Most of us have a fear of rejection.  We’ve been rejected and felt the painful emotions that follow; or we’ve felt badly about rejecting someone.  Either way, rejection feels yucky and holds us back.  It causes us to do things like:

  • Avoiding anything that has to do with the possibility of being rejected
  • Doing whatever we can to be accepted, even if it means not being true to our values and compromising our integrity
  • Trying to please others, many times at the expense of our own happiness
  • Not expressing our true thoughts and feelings
  • Making assumptions instead of asking for clarification
  • Self-sabotage ourselves by acting and behaving in unflattering ways
  • Negatively judging ourselves, having it define who we are, or not thinking we’re worthy enough
  • Shrinking into a lesser version of ourselves which doesn’t allow our inner beauty to shine
  • Not put ourselves out there

If you’re afraid of rejection or think of rejection as a bad thing, you’re not alone. Rejection is one of the most distressing experiences that people try to avoid.  But rejection can actually be a good thing.

Rejection is What You Make it Mean

The act of rejection itself is actually okay.  Our egos assign a negative meaning to rejection – this is what makes rejection seem bad.  Here’s what I mean…

Let’s say you’ve been steadily going out with a guy these past two months.  He tells you he wants to see other women and also go out with you.  You want to be exclusive with him.  Because he wants to see other women, you may think he wants more because you’re not enough (your ego is hurt => negative meaning assigned).

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How to Cultivate Real Intimacy in Your Relationship

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 06/23/2015

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If you’re feeling lonely in your romantic relationship or disconnected from your partner, chances are, real intimacy is missing.  It’s understandable to want your partner to like and love you.  Yet, when seeking his approval and affection, you may try to be perfect while concealing parts of yourself (i.e. things you try to hide from others, are ashamed of, or quirks you wish didn’t exist).

The paradox about concealing these parts is they help real intimacy develop with your partner.  Intimacy exists when you’re able to be seen for all of who you are – the good, self-perceived bad, and quirks.  When you are known and loved for your true self, you feel a meaningful connection with yourself and partner.

As Alain de Botton says, “Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone – and finding that that’s ok with them.”  In relationships with real intimacy, both are sharing their genuine selves.  To start cultivating the kind of intimacy that lasts, check out these three articles.

3 Must-Read Articles to Cultivate a Deeper Level of Intimacy

“There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else.” – Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle

Why Real Intimacy is the Key To Love

Intimacy is essential to a fulfilling relationship.  With intimacy, you are understood and understand your partner.  Real intimacy comes from being your true self.  When you are seen for who you are – the good and not so good – your partner feels comfortable letting you see his self-perceived flaws.  You experience a deeper connection with him which increases the likelihood for lasting love.  Learn what keeps intimacy away, why sex is never the way to real intimacy, and where intimacy is found.

Lost Intimacy? 11 Steps For Getting It Back

In a society where short attention spans and instant gratification are the norm, people want and expect intimacy to happen quickly. Intimacy takes time and is built on multiple levels — emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, etc. The more connected you are on different levels, the more deeply you and your partner will feel about each other.   If you’ve lost the intimacy in your relationship, learn 11 ways to get it back.

6 Powerful Ways To Keep Intimacy Alive With The One You Love

Most of us have experienced situational intimacy when gazing into our partner’s eyes during sex or over a candlelit dinner. If you’ve experienced those sweet moments, you know how truly fleeting they are — leaving you wanting more. But situational intimacy, alone, does not allow a relationship to thrive. Successfully cultivating daily moments of intimate also reduces the chances for cheating and divorce. And ultimately, intimacy is essential to a happy and healthy marriage. Learn about the deeper meaning of intimacy and ways to cultivate that in your relationship.

This is the kind of intimacy worth having for a lifetime…

“The way you touched my soul without taking off my clothes. The greatest intimacy lies between the nakedness of two minds.” – Unknown

Invitation to Free Video Series: Cultivate Meaningful Relationships

The quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships. So if there’s one area to invest your time and energy, it’s in your romantic, platonic and professional relationships. 30 experts will share ways to cultivate meaningful relationships in just 30 minutes a day. Learn more about the free video interview series “Maximize Your Relationships” and reserve your spot.

 

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12 Things Keeping Us from Opening Our Hearts to Love

June 9, 2015
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Women are emotional beings in the best possible way.  If you’re like most women, you feel deeply about the man you’re with and take your romantic relationship seriously.  When you’re having problems or things don’t work out with the one you love, your heart aches and absorbs your pain and emotions. Here is a list […]

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How to Let Your Feelings Guide You to Mr. Right

May 26, 2015
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If you’re single and still looking for a man who fits the list of your must-have qualities, here’s why you should let go of this list.  While your mind thinks it knows what you want, the reality is, it doesn’t know what you need to feel completely fulfilled.  Here’s an example of what I mean.  […]

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How to Transcend Heartache

May 12, 2015
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If you have loved, then your heart has suffered deeply from being let down by men and relationships not working out.  The emotional pain, distress, sorrow, grief or anguish from heartache can be debilitating.  And times of darkness can permeate your entire being and make it seem as if things will never get better.  I […]

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Self-Acceptance: The Problem Women Have On Their Journey to Love

April 28, 2015
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I recently had a wonderful conversation with Michelle D’Avelia, founder of Pushing Beauty.  During our conversation, she shared her thoughts on the biggest problems women have on their journey to love and the mistake she made that was her defining moment. Here’s what Michelle shared… What do you find to be the biggest problem women […]

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Lessons Learned On My Journey to Love

April 14, 2015
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Love is very individual and experiential.  We tend to learn how to love the hard way – by making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.  We all have lessons we’re meant to learn based on where we’re at and where we are meant to be.  The distance between these two places are bridged by the […]

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Struggling with Love? Here’s What to Do

April 2, 2015
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Love was never meant to be hard and if you’re struggling with love, it’s not your fault.  Chances are, you’ve tried to improve things and perhaps have taken steps forward.  Yet, even if you’ve made some strides, it is frustrating when the momentum stops and things start stalling.  One day you’re having a great time […]

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Truth Telling is Essential to Love

March 31, 2015
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I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Jamie Greenwood, who is the founder of JamieLiving where independent go getters who have it together on the outside, yet on the inside feel conflicted, come for a warm-hearted, no-nonsense heart and soul reality check.  During our conversation, she shared her perspectives on the biggest problems women […]

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