How to Transcend Heartache

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 05/12/2015

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If you have loved, then your heart has suffered deeply from being let down by men and relationships not working out.  The emotional pain, distress, sorrow, grief or anguish from heartache can be debilitating.  And times of darkness can permeate your entire being and make it seem as if things will never get better.  I know how difficult these times are, and how despair can sweep us into a downward spiral of darkness…

What You Should Know About Heartache

…I also know what when we look below the surface, we’ll see that heartache brings unexpected gifts of beautifully important lessons to learn and personal/spiritual growth that leads to true and lasting love.  This is why I believe every woman should experience heartache.

You might believe the more open you are, the more heartache you will experience.  The opposite is actually true — the less open you are, the more your heart aches.  Here’s why…if you’re not open, you’re not expressing your real thoughts and feelings.  This doesn’t allow a guy to know who you really are and keeps your relationship on a superficial level.  Being open and vulnerable reduces the degree of heartache because in the process of expressing your true self and being loved for who you are, you experience a deeper connection.  And if things don’t work out, you will have less regret knowing you were your real self.  You will be able to get that it’s not personal – it just wasn’t the right match.

Heartache from a breakup tends to cause many women to fixate on their ex and act in cringe-worthy ways.  If you’ve been in this situation, regret will make you judge yourself and cause your heart to ache even more.  Instead of judging yourself, be kind and compassionate.  Focusing on your well-being after a breakup will help you ease through the pain with grace.

Heartache can seem permanent instead of situational.  The reason heartache seems permanent is because unresolved issues from the past are lingering which makes things more painful than they need to be.  This is why it’s so important to resolve past issues so you are dealing only with your current situation.

Heartache can actually be good for you when guided in a healthy way – it’s a reminder of how alive you are.  The way you choose to cope determines how well you recover.

How You Might Cope

Here are five ways you may be coping with heartache and what typically happens.

1. Reminiscing about your ex

Reminiscing about your ex keeps you in the cycle of denial, despair and false hope.  You may find yourself thinking about the good times when the bad times were detrimental to your well-being.  And if your ex does call, you may behave and act in desperate ways, hoping he comes back.

2. Seeking attention from men

When feeling rejected after a relationship is over, seeking attention from men is understandable.  Yet doing so in times of despair will have you attracting attention from the wrong men. Feeling down on yourself can make you vulnerable to smooth-talking men and do regretful things like having sex too soon, getting into a rebound relationship, etc.

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Self-Acceptance: The Problem Women Have On Their Journey to Love

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 04/28/2015

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I recently had a wonderful conversation with Michelle D’Avelia, founder of Pushing Beauty.  During our conversation, she shared her thoughts on the biggest problems women have on their journey to love and the mistake she made that was her defining moment.

Here’s what Michelle shared…

What do you find to be the biggest problem women have on their journey to romantic love?

I feel that self-acceptance is one of the biggest problems facing women.  On my path, I wasn’t aware that I lacked self-acceptance. It wasn’t obvious to me.  I’ve always been a confident, independent, strong woman, and like many women, I have easily thought I was in a better place than I was. It’s easy to hide from things.  On my path, I realized I had big worthiness issues and didn’t think I deserved love.

My last romantic relationship helped catalyze deep change in my life. Through my partner’s unconditional love and the timing of my own journey, I was able to see a lot of my own trauma and unhealthy patterns. As our relationship deteriorated, I began to abandon myself in hopes to keep the love that I thought had been so revolutionary to my life when, in fact, self-love is where I needed to place my attention.

Women are inclined to be givers and we have to be in a healthy space with ourselves in order to give to others.  When we give to ourselves first, support ourselves, and love ourselves, the rest tends to fall into place.

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Lessons Learned On My Journey to Love

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 04/14/2015

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Love is very individual and experiential.  We tend to learn how to love the hard way – by making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.  We all have lessons we’re meant to learn based on where we’re at and where we are meant to be.  The distance between these two places are bridged by the experiences that help us learn and grow into our best selves.

If you tend to compare yourself to other women (i.e. can’t understand why they’ve found love and I haven’t), let these comparisons go.  Keep in mind that every woman is on her own journey – some paths are more direct while other paths take indirect routes – all meant for each individual’s greater good.

The Typical Journey to Love

Most every woman’s process of finding love (myself included) goes something like this…the trial and error approach such as making mistakes, repeating the same unhealthy patterns, dating and being in relationships with men who aren’t right for us, blaming the other person when problems come up, sacrificing our integrity, etc.

Then after much heartache and having had enough, an awakening happens when we realize things have to change.  This is what happened to me after two breakups with the man I dearly loved.  These breakups caused me to look within and reflect on how I had been approaching and perceiving love.

Five Major Love Lessons

By reflecting and making positive changes within, I’m able to share these valuable lessons to help alleviate further heartache and shortcut your journey to love.

Lesson #1: Everything happens for your greater good

Everything happens for your greater good, especially love’s difficulties.  It may not seem like it at the time, yet these difficulties are happening to help you learn, grow and become your best self.  When you’re in a challenging situation, don’t ask, “Why me…?  Why is this happening to me…?  Why is he doing this…?”

Instead, ask, “Why is this happening for me?  What is the positive lesson I’m meant to learn from this?  How I can take this situation and apply it in a way that helps me grow?  What is the perfection in this situation?”  Then stay open to the answers that come up.

Lesson #2: Love happens when you are ready 

If you think that time is running out, it’s understandable to want love now.  Wanting love now can actually be harmful because you will tend to be desperate, overlook red flags, and settle for a guy who isn’t the best fit for you.

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Struggling with Love? Here’s What to Do

April 2, 2015
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Love was never meant to be hard and if you’re struggling with love, it’s not your fault.  Chances are, you’ve tried to improve things and perhaps have taken steps forward.  Yet, even if you’ve made some strides, it is frustrating when the momentum stops and things start stalling.  One day you’re having a great time […]

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Truth Telling is Essential to Love

March 31, 2015
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I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Jamie Greenwood, who is the founder of JamieLiving where independent go getters who have it together on the outside, yet on the inside feel conflicted, come for a warm-hearted, no-nonsense heart and soul reality check.  During our conversation, she shared her perspectives on the biggest problems women […]

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Love Quotes: What They Mean

March 17, 2015
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Quotes are inspirational, thought-provoking, and cause us to think about the meaning behind the words. Here are some quotes worth sharing along with my perspective on what they mean. The Courage to Love “It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know […]

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How to Make Decisions Instead of Letting Decisions Make You

March 3, 2015
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“Decisions that make you are driven by fear and not trusting in yourself.  Courage reduces fear while trust increases faith.  Making decisions with courage and faith ultimately leads to better outcomes.” – Janet Ong Zimmerman Are Decisions Making You? Decisions that make you will cause you to become passive, reactive and feel powerless.  When decisions […]

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5 Articles About Love Every Smart, Independent Woman Should Read

February 17, 2015
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“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone […]

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The Real Reason Smart, Successful Women Are Still Single

February 3, 2015
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Smart successful women have become very adept at being men.  I know this because in my professional life, I dressed like a woman yet acted like a man to be respected and promoted to positions of greater responsibility.  When it came to love, acting like a man left me confused, disappointed and frustrated that I […]

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All Men Are Not the Same: It’s Your Choice in Men That Are the Same

January 20, 2015
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Women who believe, “All men are the same or there are no good men,” are viewing men in a negative light.  This belief stems from the bad experiences they continue to have with men.  The reality is…men are different.  There are wonderful men who appreciate, cherish and respect women.  There are selfish men who view women as […]

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