When you want a meaningful connection to lead to an intimate and fulfilling relationship, having sex early on only increases the probability of a hook up relationship.
If you’re feeling used by guys, lonely, and empty inside, it’s because you’re having sex hoping it will lead to more. Having sex early on only lets a man connect with you physically. Having a meaningful connection that leads to a real relationship only happens when both of you are relating and connecting on multiple levels. This lets him experience who you are beyond sex, where he can see your value.
Because so many women are having casual sex – sex without dating, sex on a first date, and sex too soon – guys can pretty much have sex whenever they want with any willing woman. If you’re using sex hoping it leads to more, you’ll get less than what you’re hoping for. Because to the guy you sleep with, you’re just a woman to have sex with. You’re not the one for a meaningful relationship.
When guys get sex easily without having to put forth effort, women become dispensable. And when a woman is dispensable, she’s easily replaceable.
(Note: The message here is for women who want more. It’s not meant to judge women who want something casual. If casual is what you want and it’s not making you feel bad, continue with what you’ve been doing. If not, read on.)
I was crazy about him
We were sitting on his bed after sex and I was hungry. He went to his kitchen and came back with a can of soup. I can still remember thinking, “Something doesn’t feel right.” Just a few hours prior, I had flown to Colorado to spend the weekend with a guy I really liked. Blinded by infatuation, I couldn’t see that it had become one-sided until after the fact.
Up until that weekend, we lived in the same town, spending a lot of time together during that month we met. His free-spirited ways were a contrast to my reserved ways, and brought out a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I became more expressive and was crazy about him. And even after these red flags came to light covertly, I was still head over heels for him.
- He and his fiancée had recently broken up prior to us meeting. But he didn’t tell me this until after we slept together. By then, I was hooked and thought there was a possibility that I could be the one to help him heal.
- I found out he was moving to Colorado when pulling up to his house and saw a For Sale sign planted in his yard. I was shocked since he had not mentioned this to me. I swallowed my disbelief while his words of job relocation washed over me. Even then, I thought, “Maybe this can still work. Colorado isn’t too far…”
But then, something didn’t feel right
After that weekend, I came to know what “something doesn’t feel right” meant. The can of soup symbolized me making most of the effort and him not so much. The fact that his apartment was messy with no real food in his place revealed how little I meant. That along with being fresh out of a breakup and moving spoke volumes. Instead of trying to make things work, I should have let things go.
Here’s the truth. When a guy really likes you, he’ll do things to make a positive impression. In my case, a messy apartment and no food meant he couldn’t be bothered. That is a negative impression.
When it came to dating guys I really liked, it was hard to truly enjoy the process. I felt this nervous anticipation because I wanted things to work out, over-analyzed things, misread things, wasn’t able to relax, and had a hard time letting things unfold naturally.
Sure, there were times when dating was enjoyable. When I pinpoint those moments, they were when I didn’t want anything serious – specifically when I was young and focused on my career, and when I was fresh out of stressful relationships. Dating let me be casual and carefree…and was a breath of fresh air for a short period of time…
Dating is a diversion to meaningful and lasting love
But then I started feeling disconnected from love and discouraged by my interactions with guys. The reality is, I’m the type of person who prefers cultivating a meaningful connection with one man vs. surface connections with many men. After a few years of trying on casual and carefree, I came to know this profound truth – dating is a diversion to meaningful and lasting love.
I knew dating wasn’t getting me closer to what I wanted, and I wasn’t sure what to do at that point. So my logical mind kicked in and I thought, “If dating isn’t going to get me to a deeply fulfilling relationship, I’ll try some opposite things of what I’d been doing.” That led to saying no to smooth-talking guys even when I wasn’t seeing anyone, saying no to guys who asked me out at the last-minute, and saying no to situations and things that weren’t on track to what I wanted.