7 Questions to Ask Before Sleeping with Him

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 06/14/2016

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At 29, physical chemistry get the best of me and I found myself in bed with a guy on our second date.  For months after, I cringed every time I thought about that.  You see, I wasn’t the type to just jump into the sack on such short notice.  To understand why that happened, you’d have to know the context.

I was fresh out of a 7 year on-again, off-again relationship of which we stopped having sex 5 years into our relationship.  For 2 years, I had no sex.  So when we finally broke up, my body was longing for that physical connection.

I met him at the gym and on our first date, the conversation flowed.  On our second date, we went dancing and had a lot to drink.  Alcohol made my inhibitions go away and when we went back to his place, that’s when things got steamy.  Sex happened.  Had I been sober and not naive, I may have known to ask these questions and save myself from heartache and pain.

Don’t be naïve like I was.  Learn from my mistakes by asking these questions if you’re thinking of sleeping with a guy you’ve just met.  These questions go both ways; the guy you’re with may also have these questions for you.

1. Is he available or am I a rebound?

It turns out, the guy I slept with was fresh out of a break up with his fiancée.  She was the one who broke things off and he wasn’t available because his heart was still with her.  But I didn’t learn about this until after we had slept together a few times.  And by then, I was infatuated with him.

The lesson here is if you are wanting more than just a hook up, find out if he’s available and wanting something more.

2. Am I inebriated or sober?

If you aren’t the type to just sleep with someone early on when you’re sober, then the after effects of sleeping with a guy when you’re inebriated, is going to be awkward and make you feel uncomfortable.  Liquid courage only lasts for so long and once the morning after arrives, you will tend to feel awkward.

The lesson here is it’s better to decide to sleep with a guy when you’re sober.

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How to Keep Your New Guy’s Interest

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 05/31/2016

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Two scenarios with two different outcomes

Ever notice how easy it is to catch and keep the wrong guy’s interest?  When a guy likes you in a romantic way and you don’t feel the same, you don’t care what he thinks of you.  While there’s a part of you that may like the attention, you’re not thinking about how you can keep his attention.  You can lean back, relax, and just be yourself because you’re not trying to make things happen.

Then, along comes a guy you really like.  All of the sudden, a shift happens inside of you.  You care if he likes you and are thinking about how you can get his attention and keep his interest.  You feel this anxious energy of anticipation and start leaning forward.  It’s hard to relax because you’re wanting things to happen.

The energy you give off to the wrong guy is actually the energy that gets the right guy’s attention.  In a nutshell, when you want to get and keep the attention of someone you’re really interested in, you give off intense or neutral energy which keeps him from leaning in.  Here’s why…

What women tend to do

When a woman really likes a guy, she tends to err on one of these two sides:

Intense energy – being easy to get and trying too hard thinking it will help him like her more.  This shows up as making the first moves by initiating dates and communication, giving and doing too much to meet his needs, and perhaps even trying to talk to him about reciprocating.

Intense = coming on too strong which causes him to keep his distance.

Neutral energy – playing hard to get by not letting on too much how much she likes him.  This shows up as being reserved, playing games, not expressing her true thoughts and feelings, or sending mixed messages, and hoping he somehow picks up on how much she likes him.

Neutral = he’s not getting a sense of who you are to know how he feels about you and how you feel about him.

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Is He The One for You?

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 05/17/2016

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Why knowing if he’s the one is hard

When you’re with a guy you really like and things seem hopeful, or when you’ve been in a long-term relationship and want things to work out that’s a difficult question to answer.  Yet if you’re looking for a committed relationship with someone you want to spend your life with, knowing the answer within the first 3-6 months is ideal so you don’t spend unnecessary time and energy on something that’s not meant to be.

Hindsight is 20/20 and part of me wishes I had known the importance of answering that question early on.  But things aren’t necessarily ideal — I was the type that learned through trial and error when it came to love.  Knowing what I know now, here’s what I would have told my 20-something year-old self in hopes that it helps you answer that question.

How clearly know if he’s the one

Clarity is the key to knowing the difference between the one for now and the one for always.  The problem with clarity is it’s a catch 22.  Since you’re the one in your situation, it’s hard to be objective which makes it hard to see things clearly.

So, how can you see clearly while in the situation?  By being very aware of what’s going on in these areas.

  • The thoughts you have about the guy you’re with and your relationship
  • The way you feel from having those thoughts
  • The dynamics of your relationship and how they fit (or don’t fit) with your values
  • How he treats you and how you feel about that

Being aware means being present to “what is” so you connect with your true feelings instead of talking yourself into someone that isn’t right for you.

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How to Find Peace With a Breakup You Didn’t Want

May 3, 2016
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Breakups tend to be heartbreaking, especially if you desperately wanted things to work out or were blindsided when it happened.  If you’ve been or are in this situation, then you know how excruciating things are – you obsess over him and wonder if he’s thinking about you.  Focusing on work is impossible, nights and weekends […]

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5 Secrets to Loving Wholeheartedly

April 12, 2016
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Wholeheartedly defined: Having or showing no doubt or uncertainty about doing something, supporting someone, etc. Love is one of the most desired experience every woman longs for.  Yet desire alone doesn’t mean love will follow.  If you have a deep desire for love, yet aren’t able to fully love another or be loved, then you […]

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How to Not Lose Your Self Worth Because of Love

March 29, 2016
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If you’re like I was, you’ve done things in the name of love that caused you to lose your self-worth.  These things can start in small ways like changing your schedule to accommodate him and spill over into bigger areas like losing a meaningful female friendship because you’re spending every waking moment with him. Losing […]

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From Struggle to Feeling Empowered: My Journey to Love

March 15, 2016
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There was a time when I felt powerless about my love life — I waited to be chosen or tried hard in subtle and not so subtle ways to get that cute guy’s attention.  Both led me down the path of disappointment, heartache, and wondering if I would find true and lasting love. In hindsight, […]

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Essential Ways to Draw Love to You

March 1, 2016
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If you’ve been putting forth a lot of effort and are feeling exhausted by your love life, you’ve been swimming upstream against the tide. When swimming upstream, you end up trying so hard to make things happen. And instead of attracting love, you unintentionally push it away. Drawing love towards you feels a lot like […]

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How to Set Healthy Boundaries Around Giving

February 16, 2016
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Giving too much and getting very little in return? Do you tend to give a lot in your relationship and not get the same in return? Are you giving too much as a way to hold onto your man? Is it easier for you to give and harder to receive? If you’re saying yes to […]

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What Not to Do When You Desperately Want Love

February 2, 2016
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Love is the most powerful force that causes us to do desperate things, including acting in cringe-worthy ways that make us regretful. I know this firsthand and at the time when I was doing cringe-worthy things, I didn’t equate it with desperately wanting love. Being desperate about love caused me to not see things clearly. […]

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