All Men Are Not the Same: It’s Your Choice in Men That Are the Same

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 01/20/2015

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Women who believe, “All men are the same or there are no good men,” are viewing men in a negative light.  This belief stems from the bad experiences they continue to have with men.  The reality is…men are different.  There are wonderful men who appreciate, cherish and respect women.  There are selfish men who view women as sex objects and treat them poorly.  And there are men in between.

The reality is, if you think, “All men are the same or there are no good men”, you are choosing the same type of men over and over.  At first glance, this may not make sense.  You might be wondering, “How could I be choosing these men?  They’re the ones approaching me.”

Here’s something you may not realize…

What You May Not Realize About Your Choice in Men

If you tend to attract the same kind of men, there are certain signals you’re sending that cause them to approach you.  These signals may be unconscious and unintentional.  For instance, if you have a deeply rooted belief of, “I am not enough”, you will tend to attract men who don’t value you and don’t treat you the way you deserve.  Or if you tend to dress provocatively, you’ll tend to attract men who want to have sex with you early on.  These scenarios reinforce the thought, “All men are the same.”

How to Change Your Choice in Men

To attract a different kind of man, change the signals you’re sending with these practices.

  • Envision the healthy love life you desire.
  • Imagine the qualities that your ideal man possesses.
  • Determine who you need to become and be to attract your ideal man and have a healthy love life.
  • Reflect on who you’re being and what you’re doing in your love life that’s causing these same men to approach you.
  • In areas where there is a gap between who you need to become and who you’re currently being, develop a practice for closing that gap. For instance, if you need to become an open communicator and you’re currently not expressing your true thoughts and feelings, practice speaking up even if your voice shakes.
  • Be consciously aware about the type of men you tend to be attracted to, including their common qualities.
  • Whenever you meet a man that has these qualities, this is a sign to not let things progress with him.
  • Notice good men around you. If you’re having a hard time doing so, think of your sisters, friends or love ones who are with good men. Whenever you have the thought, “There are no good men”, replace that thought with the thought of these good men.

Choose Wisely

Don’t try to make a man love you or don’t chase a man who doesn’t genuinely care for your well-being.  If you do, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache, further reinforcing your belief that all men are the same.  When a man really wants you in his life and cares for you, you will know it.  Otherwise, you will always be wondering if he does.

Making better choices in men will let you see that all men are not the same.  How will you begin to shift your perspective about men?

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Are You Doing These Things to Complicate Your Love Life?

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 01/06/2015

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When it comes to dating and relationships, most every woman does things she doesn’t mean to that complicate love.  If you can relate and are struggling with love, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Common things you may be doing that make love harder and ways to simplify love

Here are eight things you may be doing to make love more difficult, and what you can do to simplify and enjoy love with more ease.

1. Blaming your partner

Blaming your partner is more convenient when things go wrong.  You get to be right and there’s a certain sense of satisfaction knowing he’s wrong and you’re right.  But instead of bringing you both closer, it creates more distance and ugly energy.

Blaming is a way to keep from taking responsibility for your role in the situation.  It keeps you from looking within, learning your lessons and growing into your best self.  Regardless of who is right or wrong, instead of demanding that your partner change his ways, consider how you may have contributed to the situation.  Then do what you can to change within.  Work on listening to understand instead of getting defensive and blaming him.  When he sees you handle things differently, he may feel inspired to change.

2. Holding onto your past

Letting go of disappointment, skepticism and heartache from past dates and relationships not working out is something every woman has had a hard time doing.  Yet the energy that is carried forward from holding onto your past will keep you from being truly open to love and leads to more disappointing and painful experiences.

Holding onto your past is like holding onto something that is no longer good for you.  Make peace with your past by letting go of baggage so you can enjoy your experiences.  This means questioning and reframing limited beliefs, being aware of the unhealthy patterns that continue showing up so that you can work on creating healthier patterns that support you in having your heart’s desire.  When you’ve made peace with your past, a space of gratitude opens up for love to come your way.

3. Being afraid to express yourself

Not saying what you really mean, talking around the issue, being passive aggressive, or thinking he should know what you mean or want, are signs that you are afraid to express yourself.  Not saying what you mean causes confusion and misunderstanding.

If you’re afraid to express yourself, you may think it’s because you don’t want him to take things the wrong way, hurt his feelings, or you won’t get what you want.  The way he is going to take what you say or if what you’re saying hurts his feelings is not something you have direct control over.  Looking for a certain outcome from what you are saying is also not in your direct control.  Being afraid to express yourself is really about not wanting to feel out of control.

You can get over this fear by setting an intention of what you would like (instead of needing things to happen a certain way), being present and speaking from your heart, then allowing what is supposed to be, happen.  Start speaking your voice so that you will be heard and understood.  In doing so, you will understand each other more and he will feel more comfortable opening up to you.

4. Worrying about things that happened or might happen

Your mind is powerful – it will keep you cycling through things that happened or may not happen if left unchecked.  As a result of living in an over-thinking society, you may find yourself worrying and being concerned with seemingly real stories when they’re actually imagined.  When this happens, notice the thoughts you are having with judgment-free awareness and the tight, constricted or uncomfortable feeling in your body.

These are signs that your mind is in the past or present.  Since the only time we have is now, live as much as you can in the present.  When you are present, you see things for what they are and not what you’ve imagined them to be.

5. Having expectations

Expectations will cause you to hold tightly to how things should be because you’re wanting a certain outcome.  Expectations set you up to fail.  When you don’t get what you want, you will feel disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad, etc.  And the energy from this will definitely complicate your love life.

Instead of having expectations, set intentions.  Intentions are more flexible and allow you to be with what is so that you can co-create the love you desire with the Universe, higher power or God.  Intentions help you relax and open up to what may be.

6. Wishing things were different

Whenever you are resistant, you are wanting things to be different.  Resisting what is only magnifies what is and continues to bring more of what you are resisting.  Every time your partner does the thing you keep resisting, it will continue driving you crazy unless you find a way to accept that quirky part of him.  If not, your resistance will drive a wedge between the two of you.

If you want to simplify love, accept who he is (unless he is immoral, unethical or treats you poorly) or change yourself.  If you’re not able to accept him as is, let him go so he is free to meet a woman who accepts and embraces his quirkiness.

7. Trying to control things

We are comfortable with what’s known and tend to fear the unknown.  This is why we tend to control things, thinking we can make things happen the way we want them to.  In doing so, we may miss out on experiencing the nuances and real meaning of love.

There is truth in what the Dalai Lama said, “…sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”  The truth is, there may be something bigger and better coming your way that you don’t know of.  Be clear in what you want, then make choices in favor of what you want, and let what’s meant to be come your way.  In doing so, you are better able to let things flow and unfold naturally, and enjoy love with more ease.

8. Doubting you will find love

Doubting love exists is understandable when dates and relationships don’t work out.  Doubt perpetuates more doubt and leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy of not finding love.  Letting go of the disappointment and heartache from your past is necessary in order to build your trust in love.

Get clear in your vision of love; take steps towards your vision; let things happen the way they are meant to.  Then have faith in the process, and the outcome will take care of itself.  As doubt makes way for faith, you will experience your journey to love with more ease.

You Can Simplify Love

From an early age, your role models, media, failed experiences, etc., taught you, “Love is hard.”  These teachings have created the beliefs you have about love, and have been reinforced by the wrong men and relationships that haven’t worked out.

If you are looking to simplify your love life in a big way, question your beliefs about love, men, dating and relationships to learn how these beliefs have been driving your love life.  By understanding these beliefs, you can reframe them in a way that supports you in experiencing and having love with ease. What will you start doing to make your love life easier?

Want to simplify love? Subscribe to your Monthly Guide to Love and receive insightful articles, inspirational resources and best practices to make love easier.

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It Started With A Few Dry Patches Of Skin…

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 10/21/2014

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What started out on my face as a few small dry itchy spots earlier this spring progressed into a larger red dry patch to the side of my right eye that has been there since the end of July.  In early October, the skin condition on my face intensified.  My face felt very itchy, red spots appeared on random areas, have dried out and are continuing to peel.  Last week, my eyes began stinging and tearing up.

My journey to find a solution started by seeing a dermatologist.  He diagnosed me with nummular dermatitis and prescribed a hydrocortisone cream to rub onto the dry patches.  He also suggested putting Aquaphor on my entire face after washing it while it was still damp to lock in the moisture.  After months of taking his advice and having the dry patches still there, I began researching my condition only to discover that hydrocortisone cream doesn’t heal dry patches.

Be Your Own Advocate

This made me realize the need to become my own advocate.  In my research, I’ve learned it’s most likely not nummular dermatitis, but a form of eczema that is not curable and can only be managed – that is what western medicine says.  I’ve always leaned more towards the natural holistic approach to health and was even more convinced to take this route after watching Lissa Rankin’s TED Talk The Shocking Truth About Your Health.

I met with a Naturopath to determine the root cause of my eczema.  She asked me in-depth questions to understand my lifestyle, eating habits, environment, work, stresses, etc.  Based on that, she suggested that my cortisol levels are compromising my immune system and causing inflammation in my body.  Our conversation left me feeling hopeful about healing my skin from the inside out.

If doctors have not been able to find a solution to your condition or if your condition continues to persist, become your own advocate.  Becoming your own advocate is a form of self-love.  When you take matters into your own hands by educating yourself on your condition and potential solutions, you have more options to make decisions and choices that are in your best interest.

Slow Down and Show Some Self Love

The past few years, I’ve been working an 8 to 5 full-time job while building my coaching business after hours and on many weekends.  I’m fortunate in that I love both my full-time job and coaching business.  Although my schedule is busy, my husband and I still spend good time together and have a healthy and loving relationship.

Continue Reading…

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Why You Should Stop Listening to Your Friends and Start Listening to Yourself

October 7, 2014
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From an early age, girls connect through conversations.  They confide in and commiserate with each other.  They are each other’s sounding board, support system, and they give advice with the intention of being supportive.  As young girls grow into adulthood and develop an interest in guys, much of their conversations center around what they should […]

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How to Stop Feeding Your Ego and Start Loving Yourself

September 23, 2014
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“The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.” – Carl Jung The definition of ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.  Your ego has been shaped from the moment you were born and starts with conditions outside of yourself.  Ego is the […]

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Highly Successful But Not in Love? Here’s Why and What to Do

September 9, 2014
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Are You a Highly Successful Woman? If you’re a highly successful woman in your career, chances are, you’ve had to influence others, lead teams, develop strategies, implement tactics, manage projects, set schedules, negotiate for more time, control situations or meet deadlines.  This driven approach is about focusing on external conditions by affecting and motivating others. […]

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Women Who Do These Three Things Are More Likely to Cause Good Men to Pull Away

August 26, 2014
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Have you been on great dates or in a promising relationship only to have a guy pull away?  If so, it can be confusing when things seem to be going well and then he becomes distant.  I’ve been there and in hindsight, realized that rushing things, being too passive, and being jaded and skeptical pushed some […]

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32 Days to Love Yourself More

August 12, 2014
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I believe we are born with self-love and learn to be critical and judgmental about ourselves at a young age.  If you are having critical and judgmental thoughts about yourself, you aren’t yet loving yourself completely.  Since the relationship you have with yourself directly affects your relationship with others, learning to love yourself is the […]

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Why Real Intimacy is the Key to Love

July 29, 2014
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“Intimacy is not purely physical.  It is the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul.” – Unknown Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.  With intimacy, you experience a deeper connection with your partner and increase the likelihood for lasting love.  Without intimacy, you […]

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Create the Love You Desire By Setting Boundaries

July 15, 2014
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“All her life, Claire had had a problem figuring out where other people ended and she began. All her life, she’d taken on the world’s hurt; she held herself responsible. But why?” –  Elin Hilderbrand Why Boundaries Matter Nothing good comes from loving without boundaries.  When you love without boundaries, you may have good intentions, thinking […]

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