Breakups and Letting Go

The One Question You Need to Ask to Know if You Should Leave Immediately

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 11/07/2017

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When first meeting a guy who is charming and good-looking, it’s understandable to want things to work out, especially if you’ve been meeting the wrong men, have been in relationships that go nowhere, or are going through a dry spell in love.

The more you want things to work out, the less you’ll see things clearly.  Instead, like most women, you’ll see things for what you want them to be.  Here’s what I mean…

How we see things for what we want them to be

Good-looking guys who are charming and intend to only have a physical relationship with you (a.k.a. sex), are smooth-talking and make the right moves to get you into bed.  When you meet that guy and you want things to work out, you’ll believe his words even if his actions are contradictory.

You’ll spend a lot of time wondering why he’s behaving in certain ways, trying to figure out how he feels about you, and what you can do to make him want you more.  You’ll want so much to be together when you sense him pulling back.

You’ll question what you should do, when the answer is staring you in the face.

That all describes me when I was swept away by three different guys – they were all charming, attractive, and wolves in sheep’s clothing.  Since I was swept away by intense chemistry, I rationalized away bad behaviors and red flags.

But had I asked this one important question, the answer would have been, “Leave immediately”.

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The Real Reason to Resolve Issues from Your Past

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 09/12/2017

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If love is what you desire, it’s essential to resolve heartache, pain and fears that lingers from the past.  If left unresolved, here’s what happens:

  • We date different guys who bring out in us, the same negative emotions and energy around unresolved issues.
  • We repeat the same unhealthy patterns with guys and in relationships.
  • We bring our past into the present, which keeps us from creating the future we desire.
  • We project our experiences with past men onto other men and become easily triggered thinking that they are the problem when it’s really within us.
  • We become fearful and unable to move directly to what we most want.
  • We have a hard time making decisions that are in our best interest.
  • And more.

How unresolved issues showed up and affected my love life

My tendency was to have one foot in and one foot out of my love life.  The thought of having both feet in and being fully committed scared me.  When I tried commitment, things never seemed to work out the way I wanted.  This reinforced how commitment wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

And since I valued my freedom and independence, I was fine not being in a committed relationship until I really wanted to be.  I told friends I wanted to be in a committed relationship with a great guy, yet having one foot in and one foot out was contradicting what I wanted.

So I continued attracting men who wanted companionship instead of commitment or found myself in short-term relationships.  And when I was in a long-term relationship, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I didn’t realize this until years later that to me, commitment meant being trapped and controlled.  Only after I was able to reframe my belief of commitment to, “Commitment is a place where I’m free to be loved for myself and supported,” did I find peace with the thought of commitment.  When I felt at peace with commitment, that’s when more men who wanted a commitment showed up, which led to meeting my husband.

Here’s what you should know — it doesn’t matter how badly we want something, because unresolved issues around what we want keeps that away from us.  When we’re not getting what we desire, the men who show up in our lives are reflecting back the area(s) we most need to resolve in order to have what we want. We will only have the love we most desire when we resolve issues from our past.

Resolve means reframing, upgrading, releasing, or accepting

There are many ways to resolve issues.  You can reframe your belief like I did around commitment, upgrade your thoughts to better support you, or come to terms with your past by accepting what happened and doing things differently starting now.

When reframing your belief or upgrading your thoughts, it’s essential that you believe what you’ve reframed or upgraded.  That means sitting with the reframe or upgrade to see and feel how it lands with you.  If it’s the right reframe or upgrade, you’ll start to feel comfortable with it (vs. skeptical about it).

The way you resolve your issues doesn’t matter, unless it’s immoral, unethical, or hurts others.  What matters is just to resolve them.  Here are some ways to identify them.

Identifying unresolved issues keeping you from the love you desire

Write down your responses to the following scenarios.

  • Identify your biggest challenges with love; these are areas that keep coming up for you and keep you stuck.
  • If you’re feeling skeptical and jaded about love, reflect on when those feelings started and where they came from.
  • If you keep dating the same kind of men with different faces, determine the common traits and behaviors of these men. Then notice how you’re showing up with these men and the underlying fears and issues that are continuing this pattern.
  • Reflect on the ways you’ve contributed to the problems in your dating life and ending of romantic relationships

Once you’ve written down your responses, then take steps to reframe, upgrade, release, or accept the issues that are not supporting you in having the love you desire.

How to know if you’ve resolved issues from your past

The easiest way to know if you’ve resolved past issues is to think about that situation(s) that triggers you.  If you no longer feel triggered, that means the negative energy has dissipated.  If you still feel a bit triggered, feel into the emotions from the present without judging yourself.  The more you feel into those emotions from the present, the more the energy that used to come up will dissipate.

Resolving issues from your past will help you move towards the love you desire with more ease and clarity.  You no longer need to let your past issues drive your present and create a future you don’t want.  By resolving your past, you’ll upgrade your present, and transform your future.  What is your biggest takeaway from this article?

Related Article: Why Problems Are the Solution to the Love You Desire

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How My Bruised Ego Kept Me from Being Vulnerable

by Janet Ong Zimmerman on 01/10/2017

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I was 38 and really liked the guy I was dating.  3 months into our relationship, he said, “I’d like to date other women, but still see you.”  Because I liked him a lot, the thought of being one of many women was hurtful.  My defenses caused me to say something like, “I’m sorry, that’s not going to work for me.”

My mind automatically imagined the worse.  But there was context behind his words that I wasn’t taking into consideration.  He was a few years younger than me, had recently moved out here from the Midwest, and a few months into our relationship, a female friend of his came out to visit him.  When I wasn’t invited to meet her, I tried to rationalize away the uneasy feelings inside of me.

Mint chocolate chip ice cream vs. strawberry ice cream

Then my mind immediately went to, “I must not be enough if he’s wanting to date other women.”  Maybe it was true that I wasn’t exactly what he was looking for, which I equated to not being enough.  In hindsight, the story I believed about me not being enough was more likely about him not wanting to get into a serious, committed relationship because of where he was in his life.

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Did I Make a Mistake by Letting Him Go?

October 25, 2016
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That was the question I struggled with for months after our breakup in the Spring of 2001.  After 5 long years, the stress was too much and I finally broke things off.  There were red flags early on in our relationship, but I looked the other way because I was in my early 30s and […]

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How to Respond Gracefully to a Guy from Your Past

September 13, 2016
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It was strange because I was very positive in most every area of life, except love.  In most of my love life, I would over-analyze what a guy meant and why he did what he did.  On occasion, I would imagine something good, but for the most part, my over-thinking mind had the habit of […]

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How One Weekend Made Me Feel Ashamed

August 16, 2016
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I was crazy about him We were sitting on his bed after sex and I was hungry.  He went to his kitchen and came back with a can of soup.  I can still remember thinking, “Something doesn’t feel right.”  Just a few hours prior, I had flown to Colorado to spend the weekend with a guy […]

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How to Find Peace With a Breakup You Didn’t Want

May 3, 2016
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Breakups tend to be heartbreaking, especially if you desperately wanted things to work out or were blindsided when it happened.  If you’ve been or are in this situation, then you know how excruciating things are – you obsess over him and wonder if he’s thinking about you.  Focusing on work is impossible, nights and weekends […]

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12 Things Keeping Us from Opening Our Hearts to Love

June 9, 2015
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Women are emotional beings in the best possible way.  If you’re like most women, you feel deeply about the man you’re with and take your romantic relationship seriously.  When you’re having problems or things don’t work out with the one you love, your heart aches and absorbs your pain and emotions. Here is a list […]

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How to Transcend Heartache

May 12, 2015
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If you have loved, then your heart has suffered deeply from being let down by men and relationships not working out.  The emotional pain, distress, sorrow, grief or anguish from heartache can be debilitating.  And times of darkness can permeate your entire being and make it seem as if things will never get better.  I […]

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Reasons to Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

May 6, 2014
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When we lose one blessing, another is often, most unexpectedly, given in its place.” – C.S. Lewis Whether a breakup is mutual or one-sided, most women have a hard time not thinking about their ex.  I’ve had a hard time with this and if you have too, you know how hard it is to forget […]

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