Should I Settle for a Good Enough Guy?

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The short answer is, “no”. By settling, you tell yourself that you don’t deserve more. I understand how conflicting and unsettling it feels to be with guys that never seem to be quite what you’re looking for. In my 30s, I almost settled for Mr. Good Enough because I thought I was running out of time. By not settling, I met and married Mr. Wonderful.

Don’t stay with a guy whose good enough just because he asked you out and chose you. The chances of a good enough guy changing into a great guy are slim to none. If you’re considering marrying Mr. Good Enough, you may have a lifetime of disappointment, regret and wondering if you could have had the love you dreamed of. By settling, you’ve lowered your standards and self-worth.

3 Tips to Attract a Great Guy

You can actively attract a great guy with these three tips.

Tip #1: Embody the qualities you want in a great guy

You attract who you are, not what you want. If you want to feel a deep and meaningful connection with a guy, yet aren’t able to be vulnerable, you will experience a superficial connection. Being vulnerable leads to a deeper connection. Practice being vulnerable by expressing yourself openly and in the moment. The more you do, the easier it becomes, and the more meaningful connection you will have.

Another way to look at this is if you want a guy who is affectionate, trustworthy, communicates openly, and does what he says, make sure you are these qualities too. As you embody more of these qualities, you’ll meet and connect with higher quality men who have what you desire.

Tip #2: Treat yourself the way you want to be treated

You teach others how to treat you by the way you treat yourself. Treating yourself well means saying nice things to yourself, being kind, patient and forgiving to yourself, and doing things that soothe your soul. Be especially aware of how you think of yourself and what you say to yourself. If you think, “I’m not good enough…” or say things like, “He would never like me…”, replace those types of thoughts and self talk with things that are loving, more supportive and believable to you.

Determine how you want to be treated by your ideal man. If you want him to be patient, loving, respectful and affectionate, treat yourself in these same ways. If you find it difficult to do, think of someone you really care about (i.e. your best friend, mom, child, etc.), and treat yourself the way you would treat them.

Tip #3: Pay attention to your feelings

Your feelings tell you what’s really going on. Notice how you feel about yourself during the times you’re together and apart from the guy you’re dating. If things are flowing with ease, you’ll enjoy being together and connect at a meaningful level. You’ll feel secure during the times you’re apart. You’ll feel great about yourself and the right man will feel great about you.

If you feel like you’re trying too hard or having to sacrifice who you are, you won’t feel good about yourself. Trying too hard includes waiting around for his call, bending over backwards to accommodate his schedule, and manipulating things to see him. Sacrificing who you are is about behaving and acting in ways that compromise your integrity in hope that he will like you more.

Paying attention and listening to your feelings can mean the difference between getting a great guy or settling for a good enough guy. If he’s a great guy, you’ll feel good about yourself when you’re with him.

Choose Instead of Settle

Instead of settling for Mr. Good Enough, ask, “Why am I settling instead of being available for a great guy?” “What would help me believe that I deserve more?” Your answers will bring forth the awareness that you deserve to be with a great guy.

Don’t let your age, the time you’ve invested with Mr. Good Enough or thinking you won’t meet anyone better stop you from meeting your great guy. Remember, you deserve Mr. Wonderful. Raise your standard by choosing a great guy who is worthy of being with you. What is one thing you can do to raise your standards?

Related Article: How to Increase Your Probability of Getting a Great Boyfriend

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  • Lisa

    I just turned 50 this year which was my scary age to reach in having to still be single now after 11 years. I have come across every bit of riff raff out there in the dating world that you can imagine. Bipolar, manic depressed, addicts (recovered or practicing there is no difference in their traits) men who would rather use me for sex than take me to meet mom (which hurts let me tell you), liars, emotionally unavaialbale or already taken so yeah…not available. There are two men I would have given my eye teeth to be with in the past few years, but even though they had strong feelings for me, they didn’t choose me in the end which took it’s toll on me. And for an attractive, fit, loving, smart, funny, accomplished and caring woman like myself (who has none of the bad traits above I spoke of that these men have…so don’t know why they keep coming to me except that IS what’s left out there in my age group) having to be out in this God awful painful single world waiting for the next one to sear my skin off my body…has done me in now. And sadly, it has taken a toll on my confidence also. And before anyone gives me the bullshit comment of…stop looking and he’ll show up …just know I’ve done that too and nada! (also the comment of “you need to be happy and living a full life…” save it. I guarantee I live a fuller life than most of you…and the only reason I’m unhappy now…is because after so many years I have to continue to be alone!!) I also think every woman around my age has at least one eye open for the possibility but I’m very very tired now. Tired of getting my teeth kicked in…tired of watching men my own age (and older!) go for much younger women because they can…tired of me, the nice woman losing out to bitches (I’ve seen and heard it!), tired of men staying in unhappy marriages because of money and guilt but boy…they sure would like to join me in bed if they can eh? I’m so tired of all the bullshit hopelessly and endlessly waiting and waiting and waiting for Mr. Wonderful to come along. Is it going to be you…nope! How about you? Well…I thought it might be you but there’s that huge red flag, so nope can’t do it. And you? What about you? Yeah…I don’t know. Something not quite right about you too….Right now, Janet, as I sit here with tears streaming down my face…take this from a woman who always said she wouldn’t settle for less than Mr. Right…When you are faced with the possibility of being alone for the rest of your life like I am (and I know many women in their mid 50s and 60s who ended things like I did in their 30s and have now given up because they got the same type of yokels out there as I did…sad to say), Mr. Good Enough is looking REAL good now to me especially if he is into ME only and it is better for the man to be into the woman more, is respectful and isn’t a liar…You may not know my pain…but I know there are many women who do. The saddest thing with me is I know who I should be with, I know who my Mr. Right is…but he’s married and unless his wife dies he’ll never be mine because he’s not going to leave her. I think my heart is done now trying to survive this single world. So yeah…Mr. Good Enough…bring him on. If that’s all I get because I can’t have who I know I should be with…then so be it. Better than this endless loneliness that’s tearing me apart from the inside out. – Lisa

    PS- There is going to be a book I have written coming out soon…I’m prefecting it now…called “Dinner For One In So Cal- One Middle Aged Woman’s Horror Stories of the Single World and How as a Decent Man Not To End up in One”. I wrote it as an Average Jane to let women my age know they are not alone out there in this craziness in how so many men are treating us and that THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT most of the time. Yes, there are crazy women out there too, but more so bad men. I’m tired of these Gurus blaming women. And if it helps good men who are just little bit inept learn what not to do with us if they really want to find love (not booty calls)…then fine. I hope so. It’s a funny book but poignant too. Look for it on Amazon by the end of the year.

    • Dear Lisa,

      I’m sorry your experience of love has been so painful. My heart goes out to you. Here’s my honest perspective about your situation. Please know that I’m sharing this from a place of love.

      It’s understandable that with each painful experience you’ve had, the wall around you becomes higher and thicker to protect yourself. It’s also understandable that you would be skeptical and doubtful about men, and even bitter towards them. Consider that the energy radiating from skepticism, doubt and bitterness will keep attracting the same type of men. You deserve a great man and a great man isn’t drawn to energy that is heavy and dark. He is drawn to energy that is light, uplifting and positive.

      I believe we attract who we attract based on where we’re at on in our own lives, the lessons we need to learn and grow from. Once we learn and grow from these these lessons, these same types of people no longer show up in our lives, making room for higher quality people. There’s a deeper reason that these men keep coming to you besides these men are what’s left out there. You are the common denominator with all of these men. Reflect on how your thoughts, behaviors and actions might be attracting these men to you. For instance, if you’re a caring woman, do you tend to over-give and do too much for a man? If so and this continues, you will feel resentful and taken advantage of. If this is a common trait, work on giving appropriately/less and receiving more.

      Right now, you are thinking that these terrible things have happened and are happening to you. While this may be the case, it doesn’t have to continue this way. You have the power to take back your love life by taking responsibility and making it the way you want it to be. It will take reframing negative beliefs about men, dating and love, working through inner barriers that are keeping you from your ideal love life, building your self worth and resolving your pain. I hope you choose to take back your love life.

      You deserve to be with a great man, Lisa. Be kind, loving and gentle to yourself. Sending you much love.

      Thank you for letting me know about your book. I will watch for this when it comes out.

      With Love,
      Janet Ong Zimmerman

  • Lisa

    Oh Janet. See sadly you don’t know me. If I could let you talk to my friends who do…they would tell you a tale of a great, attractive, smart, funny, positive woman who had at least a 95% hope rate that she would meet the love of her life when she ended a stagnated relationship in 2002. My Ex and I were not enemies…we’d just grown apart…we had to run our popular variety band together for the next 6 yrs and were friends and business partners, but I knew he wasn’t Mr. Right. Now…I didn’t even decorate my apt much when I moved into it because I had such hope that I would meet the love of my life in at least a couple of years AFTER…yes AFTER I did the work on myself to grow and learn (all that you speak of…been on a spiritual journey of discovering for many years now) from my mistakes also…and what I needed to do for the next one…and what I want in a next relationship. But sadly…that’s not what I’ve gotten and it’s now been 11 yrs. Again, Janet you are one of those people who are blaming the women of the world and what we’re doing wrong…(I have a problem with that and why I wrote my book) when at least in my age group…I believe that 95% of the problem are the unevolved men out there (Note: Charles J. Orlando -The Problem With Women is… Men, is the one who has it the most right of all of you) and IF women are at fault at all… it’s the ones who put up with these yokels and settle for them so as not to be alone. I’m not talking about Mr. Good Enough (who actually in this late stage might be the best thing now for me. At least it will end my having to be in survival mode all the time now in joining with someone financially. Gee, maybe I can finally have a home of my own with a duel income, eh?)…No, I’m talking about the Mr. Bads of the world. And there are SOOOO many of them. I know this because I have spoken with countless women (trust me, it’s not just me…we can’t all be screwed up and negative Janet!) and their stories all resemble my own! And they’re great women!

    Now this could be past life karma for me also and I’ve been told I was a man here more than I was a woman and I think in my last life..I was a jerk. Thus I may be walking in the shoes of the women I hurt, so my soul learns its lesson. And if so, sad that this is what I get, but I understand. That take actually makes more sense to me…because knowing myself…nothing else does. And so you know (and I state this in my book) I don’t hate men, in fact, my friends for years especially in the music world were mainly men more so than women. And I still have many male single, married and taken friends, none of whom can believe I’m still single because they do know me. I’m merely trying to understand why there is so much disrespect and down right meanness and wanting to use women from single men today…I don’t remember it back in my 20s. My mom always said even nice guys like sex…meaning they will use you too for sex if they deem you are not long term “relationship” material as long as they find you pretty! I know the sex drive is huge in them…but come on. Enough is enough! Look at me as a human being as I do you. Respect me.

    But let me ask you something? If I’m attracting these men to me because of something in me why does it happen online too? I met one last year who seemed great, said wonderful things in his profile and seemed totally into me. Turned out he had a GF of 2 yrs he was cheating on…with me. Told me he was totally single and available! So I guess even through the lines of the Internet they find me? Does that make sense to you? Well, I guess if you believe my karmic take…! Otherwise…no. And there are also the ones I contact my age or older (rarely do I even try to contact someone a bit younger) who are fit, somewhat attractive and seem intelligent by what they say in their profiles, unlike so many of the ones who contact me (!), but rarely to never do they contact me back if I send out a feeler in a funny or cute email to them. If they do get back to me…it’s like pulling teeth to get them to talk to me…and they don’t ask me any questions about myself! So I just let it go. Who needs that? Can you answer the reason why on that for me too? I’m not an ugly woman…but I am 50. My profile is funny, well written and well rounded, good pics, no negativity and yet….I get no contact from anyone I’d be interested in! In fact…I don’t get contacted much at all. Maybe it’s time to put on the bathing suit and let it all hang out like other women I’ve seen online! Hmmm there’s a thought! Yet they claim they don’t want any players contacting them! LOL! I’m not a fan of online dating anyway because I think for people my age it’s the men who make out on it not the women. It’s a smorgasbord for them. Me? I just get rejected over and over. Again, enough is enough. Frankly I prefer the glance across the crowded room…which is rare now…and of course there are too many desperate women intercepting it and knocking you out of the way before it can get to you! Boom!

    Look, I’m glad you found a great guy, and if he truly is then I’d hang onto him. I’d also like to know how old you were when you met him? Because if you were younger than 45…you can’t possibly relate to me. I’m not here to blow smoke up anyone’s butt and be a Pollyanna and tell women that you ARE going to meet a good man if you do this and this and that. Sadly…yes, very very sadly…I speak the truth that the older we get as women the harder it becomes to find a good man who’s faults we can live with and who can live with our’s. Because the pool shrinks. Not all of us, at least middle aged women, will be lucky enough to find a good guy. There are just not enough “GOOD” men to go around now our age. Not in one specific area anyway (and San Diego is very bad anyway, Peter Panville…)…so I’d have to travel all over I fear to meet one. That gets hard..and expensive. Sad to say us M- Agers have to turn over many stones to find a good one who gets it…not impossible per se… but that’s what I’m not sure I can take any longer. I’m tired. The rejection…the searing off of my skin when my hope falls flat on its face again when who I thought was decent, turns out not to be (like the lying one above I told you about with the GF.) Also what worked for you to find love doesn’t always work for everyone (because maybe this man was just on your path and you were scheduled to meet him anyway, which I hope is still in the cards for me…we’ll have to see) It’s always best to be positive but NO one manifests a man or love out of thin air, got news for all you Secret fans. Nope. It’s really just putting yourself out there over an over and trying to stay positive..something sadly I think now I’ve reached my limit on in trying to do. Then again, I know the alternative which is having to be alone for the rest of my life, so I may just be venting and will pick up the quest again in a few weeks. My friend Deb has always told me that I always do return to it…the quest…that I do have a hopeful heart and that I shouldn’t let the men out there who have turned out to be so rude and disrespectful take that hope away from me. And she’s right. But life is often a struggle now, isn’t it? Filled with ups and downs. No one ever said it would be easy! So on we go! – Lisa

    FYI: Here’s my Web site……one of those fulfilled things I have always tended to do for myself in trying be happy…alone.

    • Dear Lisa,

      Thank you for sharing your perspective. You are right, I can’t possibly know of anyone through a comment on a blog post since we are each so beautifully unique.

      I understand you are tired, and the thought of another rejection and hope falling flat is pain you would probably rather avoid. I know you are not alone in feeling like this.

      Energetically, men pick up if we are authentically open or if we are rigid and fixed. Sometimes our life experiences can create walls: rules we put in place as ways to guard our precious heart.

      Even a limiting perspective of believing there are no men, or that all men are a certain way…can begin to close down our access to love. Or things like trying to have things be a certain way with a certain outcome – this too can sap energy that could be used for flexibility.

      It takes a lot of courageous discipline to do the work of becoming flexible again. It takes immense courage to live from our unique essence.

      I believe that every woman has the courage within to transcend hope that is filled with expectations, and instead, once again, embrace her openness and flexibility of her pure potential for loving herself and others.

      It’s from this place that she is undeniably attractive, no matter her age.

      Thanks again for your comments, Lisa. I appreciate you for taking the time to write and for sharing so deeply.