Temporary, Unfulfilling and Unhealthy Relationships

Not having the know-how or confidence in myself to sustain love, led me to read books like, “Getting to I Do” and “The Rules”. Practicing this advice led me to temporary, unfulfilling and inauthentic relationships. I’m not saying conventional methods to sustain love are wrong. They just didn’t work for me.

My “Aha” Moment

My BIG realization came when I was in between love relationships — so much of what was driving me was externally focused. At the time, most relationship experts suggested conventional methods to improve our outer self. There was not much emphasis on developing our inner self.

Here’s an example of what I mean: experts say men are attracted by a women’s appearance and women need to look and dress nice. While this is true and may draw a man to you, your internal appearance is what keeps a man. My internal appearance didn’t match my external appearance.

Conventional Methods Don’t Sustain Love

During my internal and external transformation process, I discovered these reasons why conventional methods don’t sustain love. Conventional methods keep us:

Externally motivated

Seeking validation outside of ourselves keeps us needing our partner’s Admiration. Having been one of these AAA seekers, it’s a losing proposition and always 100% of the time. Being attached to my partner’s AAA meant that I tried to be and do things perfectly. What showed up was me trying to hide parts of me that I didn’t want to come out, me not saying what and how I really felt and relationships without a meaningful connection. This is just one example of being externally motivated.

Untrue to ourselves

Sometimes we justify things our partner says and does while our intuition signals that something isn’t quite right. There were times I didn’t hear from the person I was dating. My justification sounded like, “He’s just really busy.” Deep down, I knew that if he was really into me, he would make the time to call or be with me no matter how busy he was. Not listening to my intuitioncaused me to doubt and not value myself. Not listening to our intuition is one example of being untrue to ourselves.

Locked into our heads

Being too much in our heads prevents us from connecting on a deeper, more meaningful level.  Women tend to dissect, analyze and rehash the “What does this mean…?” part of our love relationships with friends, family and anyone who will listen. When I fell into this trap, there was virtually no way I could ever know what was really happening. I was making up the meaning to what he said, didn’t say, did, and didn’t do. Instead of feeling better, I ended up feeling more confused, doubtful, indecisive and not able to access my heart. All of this talking, dissecting and analyzing keeps us locked into our heads and out of touch with our hearts.

I appreciate conventional methods because they taught me a great deal about how not to be and what not to do in love. They also led me to discover sustainable methods that create lasting love.  What methods have you tried to create a fulfilling love life?