Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
“My boyfriend/husband broke up with me and I’m heartbroken. He says he needs time away to figure out if we’re right for each other. I know we’ve had some problems, but I thought things were still good. He is the love of my life and I can’t bear the thought of living without him. I’m afraid that he won’t come back. I want to talk to him and convince him how good we are together, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. What can I do to convince him to come back to me? Please help me!”
I’ve been getting this question and variations of it from many women. If you’re in this situation, the message in this post may help ease your fears and give you more clarity on how best to proceed.
Things That Push Your Ex Away
After a break up with the man you still love, it’s easy to become fearful at the thought of not ever being together. Losing the one you love can cause you to do things that end of having the opposite effect of what you truly want – to get him to come back to you. What typically happens in this situation is that a woman becomes desperate and takes the approach of “desperate times call for desperate measures.” Since she is under the influence of desperation, she may plead, beg and/or convince him to come back to her, promising that things will change. If this rings true for you, you will unintentionally lose your sense of self and self esteem.
Desperation will cause a knee-jerk reaction, such as pleading, begging and convincing your ex to come back. Love isn't something you can convince someone of in a rational way (i.e. explaining why you should be together, why you're good together, etc.). If you try to convince him when he's not ready, this won't bring him closer to you. The energy of desperation is a turn off and only serves to reinforce why he’s better off without you. It will push him further away.
Don't Do These Things
Don’t reach out to him. Don’t try to be in places where he hangs out so that you can run into him. But if you happen to run into him, don’t show how depressed or hurt you are. Don’t talk about your breakup with friends and family if there is a chance you could get back together with him. You don’t need their opinions clouding things for you and you don’t want them to think badly of your ex as it will only make things awkward if you do get back together. Don’t be his booty call and have sex with him hoping that he’ll come back. Sex alone is never enough to keep a man in your life. He can have sex with any woman.
Increase Your Ex's Desire to Want You Back in His Life
If you had a good relationship with your ex and he genuinely cares for you, there's a possibility that he may realize he made a mistake by letting you go. If this happens, he will realize this because of your absence. Unlike women, a man needs time and space away from a woman in order to realize that he misses her. The time apart gives him space to remember the good times, to remember you at your best, to realize what he would be missing by not having you in his life. If he is remembering and realizing these things, this is a good sign. You’ll know if he is if he contacts you. You want him to remember you at your best because that’s what initially attracted him to you and kept him.
If he does contact you, your tendency may be to jump back in and pick up where things left off. Don’t do this because the same reasons that caused your initial breakup haven’t been resolved and it’s likely you’ll break up again. Instead, take some time to look at your breakup objectively, to understand the reasons that caused him to leave. Focus on the ways you contributed to these reasons, instead of faulting or blaming him. While it may seem unfair to focus on what you did, you only have control over yourself and your ability to change for the better.
What to do When You Want Him Back
One of the hardest things after a breakup is wondering, waiting, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. If he is genuinely a good man and you want to increase the chances for him to contact you, write and send him an email with the sentiment that you understand why he wanted to end the relationship (or why the relationship ended if he didn't end it) without blaming or trying to get him back. After you write and send the “I understand” email, then see what happens.
It's possible he may respond positively, and if he does, don't try to get back together immediately. As mentioned, the same reasons that caused your breakup will resurface and cause another breakup. Instead, continue to reflect on your role in this relationship and how it contributed to the breakup. Then work on changing yourself so that you will become the best version of you. Also practice these suggestions from How to Get Him Back Without Seeming Needy and Desperate.
Be with the Guy Who Wants You
If your ex realizes he wants you back, he will contact you. If he does come back to you on his own, you will know the depths of his feelings for you. Ultimately, you want a guy who wants to be with you rather than a guy you convinced to come back to you. The guy who really wants to be with you will be more likely to stay and work through challenging times (vs. the guy you convinced may have the tendency to leave easily).
I believe that if love is meant to be, love will find a way. If you're meant to be with this guy, you will be together. If you're not meant to be together, it means that there is someone else who is a better fit for you. Take good care of yourself during this time. Be kind, gentle and considerate to yourself. Do things that soothe your soul. Spend time with people who care about your well being. Remember, this too shall pass. What are your insights from reading this post?
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.