Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
Two scenarios with two different outcomes
Ever notice how easy it is to catch and keep the wrong guy’s interest? When a guy likes you in a romantic way and you don’t feel the same, you don’t care what he thinks of you. While there’s a part of you that may like the attention, you’re not thinking about how you can keep his attention. You can lean back, relax, and just be yourself because you’re not trying to make things happen.
Then, along comes a guy you really like. All of the sudden, a shift happens inside of you. You care if he likes you and are thinking about how you can get his attention and keep his interest. You feel this anxious energy of anticipation and start leaning forward. It’s hard to relax because you’re wanting things to happen.
The energy you give off to the wrong guy is actually the energy that gets the right guy’s attention. In a nutshell, when you want to get and keep the attention of someone you’re really interested in, you give off intense or neutral energy which keeps him from leaning in. Here’s why…
What women tend to do
When a woman really likes a guy, she tends to err on one of these two sides:
Intense energy - being easy to get and trying too hard thinking it will help him like her more. This shows up as making the first moves by initiating dates and communication, giving and doing too much to meet his needs, and perhaps even trying to talk to him about reciprocating.
Intense = coming on too strong which causes him to keep his distance.
Neutral energy - playing hard to get by not letting on too much how much she likes him. This shows up as being reserved, playing games, not expressing her true thoughts and feelings, or sending mixed messages, and hoping he somehow picks up on how much she likes him.
Neutral = he’s not getting a sense of who you are to know how he feels about you and how you feel about him.
Striking the balance so you’re not making the first moves nor playing hard to get
The bridge between intense and neutral is the place to be. That’s the place where the conversation is flowing and you’re both learning about each other, where you’re both getting a true sense of each other, where you’re complimenting him in a genuine manner and accepting his compliments instead of brushing them aside, and where he’s feeling good about himself which causes him to associate that good feeling with you.
And ultimately it leads him to making specific plans to see you again and again, after you’ve just shared a wonderful time together.
So, how do you strike the balance between not making the first moves and not playing hard to get so that it inspires him to lean in? Striking the balance is about showing up and interacting in these engaging ways.
If you’ve been the one doing and initiating too much, it leaves very little room for the guy to have to make the effort. High quality men enjoy doing things for a woman and pleasing her. Instead of squashing a man’s desire to do what he’s good at, respond and receive positively to his suggestions, complimentary words, gifts, and more.
If you tend to be more serious or if you’re on a mission to find love, lighten up and find your happy place being single. When you’re lighthearted and happy, you’re more carefree. The bright energy you give off from being that way lights you up and the space around you. That is extremely appealing, and causes him to want to be around and with you.
If you’re more reserved and tend to ask questions and listen instead of revealing things about yourself, shift the balance by having your conversation flow back and forth where you’re both sharing things about yourselves. When you’re asking questions, listening to his answers, and not sharing the same about yourself, this creates a surface connection. And in this day and age where more people are feeling disconnected, experiencing someone at a more personal level causes them to feel more vested in that person.
The telling signs of a man’s interest
As you are striking the balance, you’ll want to keep this in mind. The true measure of a man’s interest isn’t in what he says. It’s a combination of his words, behaviors and actions. When all three are consistently and positively matching, that is a definite sign that’s he’s interested in something that's long-term.
Pay attention to if he consistently tells you one thing (i.e. wants to see you) and acts differently (i.e. not making plans to see you). If so, stop trying to strike the balance and leave so you can be available for a man who is genuinely interested in having the kind of relationship you want.
What’s your biggest takeaway after reading this post?
Related articles: 5 Healthy Ways to Attract and Keep a Man’s Attention and What Increases a Man’s Desire to Be with You
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.