Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
If you’re single and still looking for a man who fits the list of your must-have qualities, here’s why you should let go of this list. While your mind thinks it knows what you want, the reality is, it doesn’t know what you need to feel completely fulfilled. Here’s an example of what I mean. Have you ever met a guy who meets your criteria but doesn’t touch your heart deeply? If you have, it’s because your mind was guiding your choice in men.
Your mind thinks it knows what you want – a man who is financially stable, has a good job, drives a newer car, owns a nice home, tall, a full head of hair, in great shape, dresses well, trustworthy, communicates well, etc. And though the qualities on your list may attract a great man, if you haven’t yet done the inner work to release deeply rooted fears and self-sabotaging beliefs, it will be very difficult to keep him in your life.
Your mind keeps you from knowing what your heart and soul wants and needs to be fulfilled in love. When you connect with your feelings by noticing the emotions and energy within your body, you will be guided to Mr. Right.
If you’re wondering, “Doesn’t my list help me set standards for the kind of man I want?” The short answer is having a list and standards don’t go hand in hand. You could have a list that has nothing to do with the kind of standards you deserve. For instance, a man who is [list items] good-looking, fun loving, sense of humor, has a great job, owns a house, drives a modern car, is good in bed, won’t necessary produce a man who [standards] appreciates, cherishes and loves you. You will know these standards by the feelings you get from the way a man treats you.
If a man meets your standards, you will feel this in your body (i.e. things feel right, your body is open and feels at ease, etc.). Your mind may try to convince you otherwise, and when it does, don’t believe it.
How Lists Tend to Keep You from Mr. Right
Lists are a way of making you inflexible by wanting things to happen a certain way. Lists are about wanting to control things and give you the false illusion you are in control.
Lists keep you safe because if you are only open to guys who have the qualities on your list, and if a guy you meet doesn’t fit the criteria, you can easily write him off instead of possibly getting hurt.
Lists give you a narrow view and keep you closed off to men who come in many packages. By sticking to your list, you miss out on the possibility of high quality men who are outside of your peripheral vision.
Lists cause you to be too picky, have unrealistic expectations, and set you up for disappointment since it is rare to find a man who fits every aspect of your list.
Lists keep you looking for qualities in a man to make up for what you may not possess, to make you feel complete, and to make you look good. This outward approach can keep you from focusing on what matters most – feeling whole and complete despite what a man brings to you.
Lists don’t ensure chemistry, they just ensure qualities that may or may not be a good fit with whom you are and who you would like to become.
Lists tend to give you Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. This is because lists aren’t an indicator of life-long compatibility.
If you haven’t yet found Mr. Right, retire your list and let your feelings be your guide.
The Best Way to Let Your Feelings Guide You to Mr. Right
Letting your feelings be your guide helps you know when Mr. Right shows up. It also lets you realize the list isn’t what truly matters.
To begin learning if he is Mr. Right, identify how you want to be feeling with a man. For instance, if you'd like to be feeling happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, notice how you are feeling when you're with him, when you’re not with him, and when you think of him. If you are feeling happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, these are good signs that he may be your Mr. Right. If he is Mr. Right, those feelings with be predominant within you.
Those feelings will be predominant instead of permanent because you’re human. As a human, if you’re in the early to mid-stages of evolving through personal/spiritual growth, it is natural for doubt to creep in. In a healthy relationship, these doubts will not overshadow the wonderful feelings you have. As you evolve even more, certainty will replace doubt. If he is not Mr. Right, feelings of uncertainty, doubt, and confusion will overshadow wonderful feelings.
Use Pareto’s Principle (the 80/20 rule) if your analytical mind is wondering, “How do I know if the doubts I have are natural or telling me he is not the one?” If 80% of the time you are feeling happy, peaceful, secure, yourself, and 20% of the time you feel unsure about things, the 20% may be your humanness creeping in trying to analyze and control. In this situation, this is a good sign to let things unfold to learn if he is Mr. Right.
If 80% of the time you are feeling unhappy, ill at ease, insecure, not being your true self, and 20% of the time you are happy, peaceful, secure, and yourself, this is a sign that you may be trying to make the wrong guy into Mr. Right. In this situation, don’t talk yourself into why you should try to make things work. Otherwise, you’ll lose more time and your self-esteem. Instead, free yourself for meeting Mr. Right.
Feelings are an accurate indicator of what you want when it comes to love. Letting feelings drive your decisions and choices makes the process easier, dissolves worry, keeps you from focusing on shallow and insignificant qualities, makes you less likely to misread lust and infatuation as love, and expands your choices in men.
A Bridge to Letting Go of Your List
Sometimes trying to do things differently can be difficult because it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know and are comfortable with. In these instances, it helps to take small steps instead of leaping to the other side. I call this crossing the bridge.
If you are feeling resistant or not comfortable letting go of your list, here’s how you can cross the bridge. Pare down your list to the absolute essentials where 80% are about a man’s integrity, morals and values, and 20% are about his physical appearance, possessions and profession. Then notice the way he treats you and how your body feels. If you are feeling open and uplifted, he is meeting your standards. If you are feeling let down and stressed, he is not meeting your standards.
How will you start letting your feelings guide you to Mr. Right?
Related Article: Is He the Right Guy for You?
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.