Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
“Decisions that make you are driven by fear and not trusting in yourself. Courage reduces fear while trust increases faith. Making decisions with courage and faith ultimately leads to better outcomes.” – Janet Ong Zimmerman
Are Decisions Making You?
Decisions that make you will cause you to become passive, reactive and feel powerless. When decisions make you, you will suffer from unnecessary pain, heartache and stress. Here are examples of decisions that make you:
Letting things happen to you like waiting to be chosen by a guy.
Not acting on your intuition only to learn the guy you’re seeing is married.
Swallowing your voice instead of speaking up when something feels wrong.
Being a guy’s doormat instead becoming his dream girl.
Staying in a relationship even though things aren’t working out.
Believing time is running out and staying with someone that’s good enough.
Not making a decision because you don’t know what to do.
How Decisions and Choices Add Up
As an instant gratification society, we’re all about making decisions that keep us comfortable or feeling good now. If you’re making decisions these types of decisions, you may be in a physical relationship getting your sexual needs met when your ultimate desire is to feel deeply connected with someone on the level of mind, body, and soul.
If you’re in this situation, don’t let hindsight be your teacher. While hindsight lets you see how decisions and choices add up, it takes you further away from what you want. Here’s my story…
When I was in my 20s to early-30s, I didn’t realize I should be putting as much focus on my love life as my professional life. I made solid decisions about my career and let guys and love happen to me. As a result, I found myself being in an on-again, off-again relationship with the same guy during most of my 20s. And in my 30s, spent time in a five year relationship that should have over after a year.
It took a while and it wasn’t until my late 30s when I started to make better decisions about love which eventually led me to my dear husband.
It’s obvious I made wise career decisions yet let decisions make my love life. If I had the foresight, I would have spent less time with smooth-talking men and in the wrong relationships. I would have given some great guys a chance, and let myself be open and vulnerable instead of letting pain and heartache keep my heart closed.
Never Make Decisions Under Stress or Desperation
In hindsight, I was not comfortable making decisions about my love life because the disappointment, uncertainty and struggle I felt, made love seem elusive. Love just did not seem like it was for me to decide.
After doing the inner work and changing within, I’ve come to know there are always moments where we can decide or choose. Moments of decision or choice don’t happen when feeling stressed or desperate because our mind is clouded and we’re not seeing things clearly.
The way to access these moments are to be present, aware and open. In these moments are when you’re likely to see things as they are. And if you don’t know what decision to make, be with the discomfort of not knowing and allow the answer to come organically.
Make Better Decisions and Choices
If you’d like to make better decisions and choices, here are six ways to do so.
1. Stick to your non-negotiables
Define what you are looking for in your ideal man and relationship. When you meet a man or are in the beginning stages of a relationship, use these non-negotiables as a way to decide what to do. For instance, if you meet a man who is a womanizer, yet you want someone who is trustworthy and loyal, just say no.
2. Listen to and honor your intuition
Pay attention to how your body is feeling around a man, and how you’re feeling with what he says and does. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t dismiss it. Instead, question it and if something continues feeling off, act on your intuition. Remember, your body knows.
3. Live according to your values
Determine what you value most and make decisions and choices by those values. For instance, let’s say you value freedom, full self-expression, happiness and peace. Then you meet someone whom you feel is trying to control you and isn’t open to what you have to say. Decide that he is not the one for you and leave before you waste more of your time.
4. Stop chasing what isn’t meant to be
If you’re trying to get a guy to like you and you’re getting lukewarm and inconsistent responses from him, decide to stop trying. In doing so, you’ll learn how he really feels. Chances are, he won’t come back which opens up the space for someone who really wants you to come your way. If a guy really wants to be with you, he will chase you.
5. Keep your vision on what you want
Get clear on your vision of love and focus on that. When your vision is clearly in your mind, choose in favor of that vision. In doing so, you’ll be less likely to get sidetracked by men and relationships that aren’t right for you. And you’ll make better decisions and choices that lead you closer to true love.
6. Flip a coin
If you’re questioning the decision you have to make, flip a coin. If you are not happy with the result, your feelings are telling you to have trusted your original feelings. Notice where these feelings show up in your body and the energy around them as these will be helpful when making future decisions. For instance, if you notice a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, that is a sign to trust this feeling. Also, if you find yourself weighing the pros, cons, etc. and wanting to know everything you can before deciding, relax your mind, close your eyes, take some deep breaths to calm yourself, and ask your heart what it wants. Then listen for the answer that comes up and the feelings that come with the answer.
Making decisions can be hard because we don’t want to make mistakes. If you relate to this, consider the perspective of, there are no right or wrong decisions. There are only decisions you make and outcomes you get. If you like the outcome, continue down that path. If you want a different outcome, make a different decision or choice.
Make your own decisions instead of letting decisions make you and you’ll have less regrets. What do you suggest for making better decisions and choices?
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.