Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
From my 20s through mid-30s, my professional life was my main focus. I worked for well-respected companies, was busy striving, and promoted to positions of greater responsibility. I earned a good living and was self-sufficient, all the while thinking love would happen.
While I dated guys and had relationships with some of them, they never lasted. I naively thought and assumed love would fall into place. Instead, my lack of awareness and naiveté would take me on a long and windy path to love.
As a slow learner in love, these realizations never occurred to me until the ripe age of 40.
I should have put as much effort into my love life as I did my professional life.
My 30s were not the new 20s. My 30s were my 30s… who was I kidding?
Love doesn’t just happen — it requires a lot of effort, time and energy.
Love happens when I was ready, not when I wanted it.
I could have positively influenced the direction and destiny of my love life.
Here’s where my mindset was around love — I remember not feeling like I had much control over love. I could put myself out there, but had to wait to be chosen.
I’ve since learned otherwise and know we have the power to create the experience of love we desire.
My regret from leaving love to chance
Even though I have love in my life, there’s a part of me that wonders what my life would be like if I’d married earlier and had children. Since I wasn’t the maternal type, I didn’t feel my biological clock ticking. I just assumed I’d be able to have kids well into my 40s and left things up to chance — if I met a man who wanted kids, then I would have kids. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have kids.
I’ve never felt regret around not having kids until my niece and nephew were born in 2015. Spending a lot of time with these sweet little ones brings up tinges of regret from time to time.
But the reality is, it wasn’t my destiny to have my own kids. Multiple fibroids that stemmed from a stressful relationship that ended in my mid-30s, grew to the size of grapefruits and weren’t conducive to pregnancy. Not long after they were surgically removed, I went into perimenopause, and then menopause. All this happened before getting married at the age of 46.
How the present moment is where you shape your future
While you can’t undo the past, you can shape your future from this point forward, regardless of your relationship status. Have you realized you’ve actually been shaping your future all of these years by how you’ve been and what you’ve done?
If you don’t like the direction you’re headed, it just means you’ve been letting your past (i.e. comparing your ex to other men you meet) or future (i.e. exuding desperate energy from worrying about never finding love) keep you from moving forward.
You can only shape your future by how you’re being, what you’re doing, and the choices you make in the present. Your thoughts and feelings drive your behaviors and actions, and affect the decisions you make. To understand this, reflect on a time when you were thinking that something bad was going to happen. Notice how that made you feel, and how you behaved and acted. Then if you made a decision, notice how it was made from a place of worry, stress or contraction. Chances are, the results you got weren’t what you were hoping for.
What you can do now to shape your love life
You’re the one you’ve been waiting for. You literally have the ability to positively shape your love life. Here’s what you can do.
The moment you become aware of when you’re thinking negative thoughts and when your feelings are bringing you down, that’s the place where you can start turning things around. The next time your thoughts and feelings are weighing you down, don’t judge yourself negatively. Just observe them with curiosity and let yourself feel into the feelings from the present moment.
When feeling into the feelings from the present moment, you won’t spiral down into the hell hole of negative emotions. Instead, you’ll start to feel lighter. Continue feeling into the negative feelings from the present moment until the energy dissipates.
Then from a place of lightness, take action and make choices that move you closer to love. This means not making short-term decisions and hoping for long-term results. It means declining a date from a good-looking guy who isn’t right for you, even if you’re not seeing anyone. Because if you do, you send mixed signals to the Universe, higher power, or God, and you’ll keep getting mixed results.
If you’re having a hard time deciding or choosing, count down from 5 to 1 or try one of these 6 ways. Remember, there are no wrong decisions. Just decisions you make and results you get. If you don’t like your result, make a different decision.
As a human being, it’s natural to have regrets. By not thinking and assuming love will fall into place, you won’t leave love to chance. You’ll minimize your regrets by doing what you can to shape your love life in the present moment. What will you start doing to turn love around?
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.