Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
When first meeting a guy who is charming and good-looking, it’s understandable to want things to work out, especially if you’ve been meeting the wrong men, have been in relationships that go nowhere, or are going through a dry spell in love.
The more you want things to work out, the less you’ll see things clearly. Instead, like most women, you’ll see things for what you want them to be. Here’s what I mean…
How we see things for what we want them to be
Good-looking guys who are charming and intend to only have a physical relationship with you (a.k.a. sex), are smooth-talking and make the right moves to get you into bed. When you meet that guy and you want things to work out, you’ll believe his words even if his actions are contradictory.
You’ll spend a lot of time wondering why he’s behaving in certain ways, trying to figure out how he feels about you, and what you can do to make him want you more. You’ll want so much to be together when you sense him pulling back.
You’ll question what you should do, when the answer is staring you in the face.
That all describes me when I was swept away by three different guys – they were all charming, attractive, and wolves in sheep’s clothing. Since I was swept away by intense chemistry, I rationalized away bad behaviors and red flags.
But had I asked this one important question, the answer would have been, “Leave immediately”.
“Do I feel uplifted or drained?”
If you’re in the situation I was, ask yourself this question after your interactions with a guy and when you’re thinking of him – Do I feel uplifted or drained?
Then answer that question based on the explanation of these two words.
Uplifted is about feeling inspired, encouraged, enriched, supported, and becoming an improved version of yourself. When you’re with him and without him, you’ll feel good about him, yourself, and the both of you. When you’re uplifted, you’ll feel light, happy, content, or calm.
Drained is about being consumed by questionable thoughts that leave you feeling mentally depleted. It’s when a guy says or does something that makes you feel bad. You’ll feel tired, exhausted, deeply disappointed, and perhaps even experience a dull ache within. When you’re drained, your energy is low and you’re feeling worn out.
When to leave immediately or stay
When you ask, “Do I feel uplifted or drained?”, notice if your answers consistently fall into the drained category. If so, that’s a wake-up call to leave immediately. If a man dims your light, makes you feel less than, and treats you poorly, he is not worth your time – no matter how hot your chemistry is.
If you want further confirmation on whether to cut ties, here’s another check point. If you’re consistently defending him or rationalizing red flag behavior to yourself, family, and friends, that’s a sign to leave.
But what if your answers aren’t clear cut. What if some of the time you feel uplifted and the rest of the time you feel drained? How will you know what to do…?
There is no perfect relationship
Even a healthy relationship will have you feeling uplifted and drained. Uplifted because of the good times, meaningful conversations, and deep connection. Drained because life can be stressful - you raise your voice to your man because your hormones are out of whack, and he yells back; you have the flu and having a serious conversation with your man can exhaust you; the reasons could go on and on.
The thing to notice is how often you’re feeling uplifted vs. drained. In a healthy relationship, you’ll feel uplifted much more than drained. If you’re feeling both equally (i.e. 50% of the time), asking yourself these hard questions and facing the truth will show you what to do.
How have our interactions been affecting my well-being?
If the dynamics of our relationship continue to be the same, what will my life be like in the next year, 5 years, and 10 years? If we continue that way, what will it cost me and what harm will it cause?
How has our relationship caused me to perceive life and the world around me?
How has our relationship changed the way I interact with family and friends?
What has my intuition been telling me that I can no longer ignore?
If you’re not sure whether to leave or stay, now is the time to face your truth. If you’re feeling drained and continue with the way things have been, you’re making the decision to be depleted in your love life. You only have this life to live – what action will you take so you can experience the kind of love that uplifts you?
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.