Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
If love is what you desire, it’s essential to resolve heartache, pain and fears that lingers from the past. If left unresolved, here’s what happens:
We date different guys who bring out in us, the same negative emotions and energy around unresolved issues.
We repeat the same unhealthy patterns with guys and in relationships.
We bring our past into the present, which keeps us from creating the future we desire.
We project our experiences with past men onto other men and become easily triggered thinking that they are the problem when it’s really within us.
We become fearful and unable to move directly to what we most want.
We have a hard time making decisions that are in our best interest.
How unresolved issues showed up and affected my love life
My tendency was to have one foot in and one foot out of my love life. The thought of having both feet in and being fully committed scared me. When I tried commitment, things never seemed to work out the way I wanted. This reinforced how commitment wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
And since I valued my freedom and independence, I was fine not being in a committed relationship until I really wanted to be. I told friends I wanted to be in a committed relationship with a great guy, yet having one foot in and one foot out was contradicting what I wanted.
So I continued attracting men who wanted companionship instead of commitment or found myself in short-term relationships. And when I was in a long-term relationship, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I didn’t realize this until years later that to me, commitment meant being trapped and controlled. Only after I was able to reframe my belief of commitment to, “Commitment is a place where I’m free to be loved for myself and supported,” did I find peace with the thought of commitment. When I felt at peace with commitment, that’s when more men who wanted a commitment showed up, which led to meeting my husband.
Here’s what you should know — it doesn’t matter how badly we want something, because unresolved issues around what we want keeps that away from us. When we’re not getting what we desire, the men who show up in our lives are reflecting back the area(s) we most need to resolve in order to have what we want. We will only have the love we most desire when we resolve issues from our past.
Resolve means reframing, upgrading, releasing, or accepting
There are many ways to resolve issues. You can reframe your belief like I did around commitment, upgrade your thoughts to better support you, or come to terms with your past by accepting what happened and doing things differently starting now.
When reframing your belief or upgrading your thoughts, it’s essential that you believe what you’ve reframed or upgraded. That means sitting with the reframe or upgrade to see and feel how it lands with you. If it’s the right reframe or upgrade, you’ll start to feel comfortable with it (vs. skeptical about it).
The way you resolve your issues doesn’t matter, unless it’s immoral, unethical, or hurts others. What matters is just to resolve them. Here are some ways to identify them.
Identifying unresolved issues keeping you from the love you desire
Write down your responses to the following scenarios.
Identify your biggest challenges with love; these are areas that keep coming up for you and keep you stuck.
If you’re feeling skeptical and jaded about love, reflect on when those feelings started and where they came from.
If you keep dating the same kind of men with different faces, determine the common traits and behaviors of these men. Then notice how you’re showing up with these men and the underlying fears and issues that are continuing this pattern.
Reflect on the ways you’ve contributed to the problems in your dating life and ending of romantic relationships
Once you’ve written down your responses, then take steps to reframe, upgrade, release, or accept the issues that are not supporting you in having the love you desire.
How to know if you’ve resolved issues from your past
The easiest way to know if you’ve resolved past issues is to think about that situation(s) that triggers you. If you no longer feel triggered, that means the negative energy has dissipated. If you still feel a bit triggered, feel into the emotions from the present without judging yourself. The more you feel into those emotions from the present, the more the energy that used to come up will dissipate.
Resolving issues from your past will help you move towards the love you desire with more ease and clarity. You no longer need to let your past issues drive your present and create a future you don’t want. By resolving your past, you’ll upgrade your present, and transform your future. What is your biggest takeaway from this article?
Related Article: Why Problems Are the Solution to the Love You Desire
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.