Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
Most women have dated or been in a relationship with a man who seems too good to be true. This man says the right things, makes grand gestures, may disappear only to return weeks later, and creates the illusion that you are special to him. Appearances are deceiving, and this man is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He preys on unsuspecting women who are easily taken by who he appears to be.
Knowing what to look for in these men will keep you from being sucked into their smooth and wily ways. Here’s what to look for in men who pretend to be harmless.
What to Look for
1. He is a master manipulator He makes you feel bad or wrong for questioning him when you have good reason to doubt what he’s saying. He is evasive with his answers, making you feel like you’re prying when he’s being deceitful with what he’s telling (or not telling) you. He doesn’t take responsibility for what he did so you end up feeling bad for what happened and apologize for something you didn’t do. All of his smooth-talking words, behaviors and actions are done to divert attention away from him and make you feel bad.
2. He doesn’t know how to love Love is selfless and is about wanting the best for the other person. This man is selfish because he wants only the best for him. He spends his time and effort trying to see how much he can get from you. No matter how much love you show him, he will never be able to love you in return because he doesn’t love himself. (The degree of love we have for ourselves determines the degree of love we can have for another.)
3. He isn’t trustworthy Something doesn’t feel right because he tells you something that contradicts what he said earlier. His whereabouts are questionable and leave you wondering where he’s been and who else he’s seeing. You feel hesitant about questioning him and when you do, instead of being truthful, he points the finger in your direction and says you have trust issues. This makes you think that he may be right, instead of thinking that you have good reason to not trust him.
4. He is a chameleon This man will change himself to appeal to unsuspecting women he finds attractive. A chameleon man isn’t comfortable in his own skin which is why he is evasive and works hard to conceal who he is. A chameleon man doesn’t truly know who he is which means you can’t know who he is either. You’re not really falling for him; you’re actually falling for your fantasy of who he appears to be.
5. He may disappear Even after spending a wonderful time together, he may disappear leaving you confused, anxious and wondering what to do. If he reappears, he’ll act like his behavior is normal and try to pick up where things left off. He may even have an explanation that sounds reasonable. If you choose to believe him, the cycle will continue. You’ll have a great time together, he'll disappear, reappear, and so on and so on.
6. He compartmentalizes his life He isn’t forthcoming about sharing his entire life with you. He shares only certain aspects, which gives you a one-dimensional view of what he chooses to show you. He keeps you separate from his family and/or friends. When a man keeps you separate in this way, chances are, he has a secret life you don’t know about. You never truly know who he is.
7. He doesn’t deserve you No matter what he says or does to make you feel special, he isn’t worth it. The fleeting moments of happiness you feel when you’re with this man are nothing compared to lasting happiness you can have with an upstanding man who is truly there for you. A solid relationship can only be built with a man who is trustworthy, says what he means, does what he says, shows you who he is and shares his life with you. Remember, you are a prize and deserve more.
What You Should Know
The signs are there early on in dating or in a relationship. To know if you’re with a man who pretends to be harmless, pay attention to the red flags described above. If you’re constantly feeling manipulated, bad or questioning things, listen to and trust your intuition.
You won’t feel a lasting connection. Connecting with someone at a deeper level requires being vulnerable, which means he would have to show up as his authentic self. He isn’t capable of doing this and if it appears like he’s being vulnerable, it’s not real; it’s manipulation. If you’re vulnerable with him, you’ll feel a false sense of connection that’s short lived.
It’s not personal. The way this man behaves, acts and treats you is the way he is with other unsuspecting women. Don’t blame, be hard on or judge yourself negatively. This type of man tends to prey on women with low self esteem. If this rings true for you, work on determining and knowing your own worth. In doing so, you will attract a man who is worth your while.
Related Article: What's Love Got to Do with Red Flags
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