Practical wisdom about dating, courtship, and relationships to improve your love life.
Have you been on great dates or in a promising relationship only to have a guy pull away? If so, it can be confusing when things seem to be going well and then he becomes distant. I’ve been there and in hindsight, realized that rushing things, being too passive, and being jaded and skeptical pushed some good men away.
Here are three common things a woman does that cause good men to pull away.
1. Are you rushing things?
It may seem counterintuitive to take your time when things are promising, especially when you have great chemistry with a guy. When rushing things, having sex and sharing too much information happens quickly. Connections are based more on oxytocin instead of on multiple levels (i.e. mental, emotional, physical, etc.). Oxytocin will cause you to lust after a guy and feel infatuated with him. Many women, including myself, have mistaken feelings of lust and infatuation for something more instead of seeing things for what they were.
Here’s how to know if you’re rushing things. You are rushing things if you are letting him rush you into sex, take your online dating profile down after the first few dates and expect him to do the same, initiating contact much more than he does, giving too much, overlooking your wants and needs in order to please him, trying to get him to commit to you soon after you meet, or imagining your future together without really knowing who he truly is.
Trying to move things forward before its time will cause you to do cringe-worthy things like stalk him, overlook and rationalize red flags, and become insecure. Rushing things, even if you’re deeply attracted to each other, tends to have an adverse effect and ends up pushing him away. This is because rushing things makes you seem desperate which is never attractive to high quality men.
Why it’s best to let things happen naturally
Reflect on how you typically approach men and how they tend to react. If most men you’ve dated and been in relationships with have pulled away, you may be moving too fast and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and him. If you’re moving too fast early on in your dating and relationship, you will be using more masculine qualities (i.e. trying to control and steer things).
Many men are used to women wanting to know where things stand and rushing them into an exclusive relationship. Letting love happen naturally helps you stand out in a positive way. He is more intrigued in getting to know who you are and less likely to pull away. This puts less pressure on him and opens him up to relaxing and enjoying your time together. This also means you are free to focus on being your best self by letting your inner beauty shine instead of giving off negative energy from worrying and trying to control things.
Remember, nothing good comes from forcing and pushing things to happen, only pain and heartache. Love happens in its time. The best thing you can do is to focus on being your best self by letting your inner beauty shine. The easiest way to do so is to connect with your feminine essence by responding and receiving more. This makes you more desirable to a masculine man and draws him towards you.
2. Are you being too passive?
If you are too passive with a guy, he will perceive that you are indifferent, not interested or feel like you are using him. Even if you really like him and aren’t showing him, he will think you can take it or leave it. Passive shows up as shyness, playing too hard to get, not putting yourself out there, being too cautious about saying things.
While a man may like a challenge, he doesn’t want to work so hard to guess how you feel. He doesn’t want to fight tooth and nail to bring you out of your shell. If he feels things are one-sided and doesn’t have a true sense of what you’re thinking or how you’re feel, he can easily find another woman who lets him know these things.
I know what it’s like to be passive as this was once my way of being. I was afraid to let my true feelings show with men I really liked, thinking that I would get hurt. The reality is I still got hurt - by not showing my feelings, these men were not open with me either and our connection never progressed to a deeper level. In fact, one of the reasons for my breakup with my now husband was because he didn’t know how much I loved and cared for him.
Why it’s best to show your interest
Reflect on how you tend to be with men you really like. If you are holding your feelings in instead of sharing them, a man doesn’t get to know the real you. If most men who have expressed interest in you have pulled away it may be that they don’t get the same vibe from you.
Don’t think that showing interest in a man means you have to be aggressive. Many men are conditioned to pull away from women who are too aggressive in showing their interest. If being passive rings true to you, you can show your interest in a subtle way by connecting with your feminine essence.
Being passive only results in a shallow connection. If you want draw a man towards you, the best thing to do is create a deeper connection by letting him get to know the real you. Share yourself slowly. Start expressing your true thoughts and feelings in the moment instead of waiting for him to do so.
3. Are you jaded and skeptical?
It’s understandable to be jaded and skeptical when a series of promising dates and relationships don’t work out. It’s a fact of life for most, myself included, that the journey of love is fraught with forks in the road and derailment, resulting in heartache and pain. Heartache and pain from past dates and relationships carried into present encounters will perpetuate heartache and pain,
Unresolved heartache and pain give birth to being jaded and skeptical which cause us to repeat unhealthy patterns. This perpetuates the cycle of guys who aren’t right for you to show up on dates and in relationships. If you are jaded and skeptical, you will be blaming your ex or external circumstances for the condition of your love life. You will have a “prove it to me” attitude and not feel a meaningful connection with the guy you’re dating or in relationship with.
Loneliness is the only thing that comes from being jaded and skeptical. Being jaded and skeptical guarantees a life of misery and unhappiness. If you’ve realized you are jaded and skeptical, you no longer have to continue this way. You can redirect your love life to attract true and lasting love. It simply takes self-reflection and being mindful of releasing your inner baggage.
Why it’s best to release the baggage of being jaded and skeptical
I believe holding onto heartache and pain is a defense mechanism that serves to safeguard our hearts. This can actually be good for you when channeled in a supportive way (i.e. as a learning and growth opportunity). Releasing this baggage is obviously best yet can be difficult to do. What I’ve learned is that it’s okay to be with and feel your pain deeply, then letting it go when the conditions are right. This takes time, patience and practice.
Despite what the guys you’ve dated and been in relationships with have done, you are the common denominator in all of these experiences. If you find yourself still jaded and skeptical, your opportunity is to resolve patterns and clear up negative energy from each dating and relationship. You can only change and manage your side of things.
If you want to pull a man towards you, the best thing to do is to uncover the root cause of your pain (tip: it’s not what he’s done; it’s what you have made it to mean about yourself), how it’s playing out in your present day love life (i.e. not trusting men because you think they eventually cheat), and what you can do about it (i.e. trusting yourself to choose better men; looking for evidence of men who are faithful).
Draw Men To You
High quality men don’t just pull away for no good reason. If you’re dating and being in relationships with good men who pull away, be aware of how you may be contributing to this situation. When a good man pulls away, instead of blaming things on him or outside circumstances, look within and do the inner work to be your best self. Simply being your best self will draw high quality men to you.
Learn what you can do to bring him closer in your Monthly Guide to Love, available August 28, 2014.
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Copyright Love for Successful Women, 2020.